Thanksgiving

Each of us at Lotus and Lettuce wanted to post this weekend, taking the time to let you all know what Thanksgiving means to us.

First of all, I’m grateful for my family. I don’t see them as often as I would like but I know I have their unconditional love and support and that has never wavered despite my jagged edges and my struggles with alcoholism, OCD and depression.

I’m grateful for my healthy body and the 22 extra years I’ve been granted since the day of my cancer diagnosis. I struggle mentally at times but I don’t take for granted that I wake up able to get out of bed with energy and free of pain. I love that I am healthy and fit enough to teach yoga for a living and that I have a steady if not consistent personal practice.

I’m grateful that I still play soccer twice a week. I’ve loved this sport intensely since I was five years old and to still be able to play it and play to my capabilities and enjoy it as much as I ever have is an enormous blessing.

Lastly, I’m eternally grateful for my Vernon adventure; my great friend Michellene and her family that have welcomed me with open arms and the extended community we are growing at Lotus and Lettuce.
Michellene’s decision to open this studio and offer me the chance to join her allowed me to leave behind my old life, move back to my home province of BC again and get back to the mountains and lakes I grew up with.

I deeply love and admire my fellow teachers here at Lotus and Lettuce; and I am grateful every time a member of our community comes through the door, allowing me the opportunity to live my dream and teach for a living.

Happy thanksgiving to each and every one of you 😊

Namaste!
Shawn

Hatha for Strength

We all face the change of seasons differently, each one of us has our reasons for loving one season more than the rest.

I usually like to say that fall is my time of year. Despite my love of outdoor sports like soccer and rugby, as I grow older I don’t really enjoy the unrelenting heat and at night I find it hard to sleep. Autumn brings cooler temperatures at night, less crowds around town, no insects, the chance to wear clothes and feel comfortable; I really do love this time of year.

If I’m completely honest though, this time of year is also an epic battle internally.

I struggle with change and really begin to dread the shorter overcast days and longer nights. My OCD causes me to mentally tally and obsess over how many summers I potentially have left.

Inevitably grief and anxiety have crept in and I sink deeper and deeper in the couch making excuses to avoid getting out and being active.

My yoga practice has tailed off again and I struggle to even look at the schedule to find a class I might enjoy. I begin to feel guilty about my lack of motivation and then the panic attacks come.

Holed up in my apartment I’m now using food for comfort and reward and starting to feel the weight gain. All the old habits flood back and I can see the familiar signs of depression looming.

The old me would be self medicated with alcohol which would allow depression to take over.

However, It’s not the same old story anymore. My discovery of yoga ten years ago and it’s gradual takeover of my life has provided me new perspectives.

The ability to cut away the noise and clutter, to clear the mind and just breathe, to acknowledge, accept and forgive the things that I once used to hate myself for - all the things I’ve learned on the mat allow me to see things the way they truly are and take steps to fight back.

I am now part of a community of like minded people who share my values and a Kula who unconditionally support me. I have the vocabulary and the voice to speak up and tell my story, to share it and maybe have it land for someone else.

This week a dear friend sent me the cartoon posted below; I haven’t written her in a while and it arrived with no context, it was just something she sensed I needed. Another dear friend called this week and said she had a powerful thought that I needed her call, each of these couldn’t have arrived at a more perfect time.

Yes, I am struggling, but now I have weapons, and warriors coming to my defense 😊

0930 Friday Hatha for Strength, who’s feeling like a warrior?

Namaste!
Shawn

Autumn is Here

The fall season is here, a reminder that it's the time in our life's cycle to set limits and protect boundaries. In nature, autumn represents the process of contraction, decay and decomposition - returning all matter to its original source.

This time of year we are also contracting and pulling inwards, slowing down and focusing our attention internally. It's the time of year where we organize our life's clutter and clear out the chaos in our lives. Shedding the things that no longer serve us, letting go of unhealthy relationships and habits; we pare back now in order to create clarity and new space for future growth.

As we let go of all that clutter and let go of our attachments to the youthful yin energy of summer there is naturally a feeling of grief, maybe a little fear as the long nights of winter loom. Our bodies need the stillness and quiet though; summer's nonstop activity and lack of downtime left us depleted, stressed and burned out.

We need to honour this time of year, we need to lean into the discomfort, take the time fall offers us to slow down, let go, release and surrender.

Today at 930 my weekly Hatha series features the Warrior poses; come in, find a mat, find your breath and let go.

Namaste!
Shawn

Hatha for Warriors Tuesdays

Tuesday is always Hatha for Warriors in my series, this refers to the warrior poses and the poses that can build from the base asanas of 1, 2 and 3.

Yesterday we focused on Warrior 2, extended side angle, the bind from extended side angle and then finished with the balance pose Bird of Paradise!

I am extraordinarily passionate about hatha yoga as it allows every body of every shape, size and ability to get in to a posture or its modified variation. We take time to breathe into a pose, find mindfulness, then adjust and align and allow each of us to really get to know our body and it's capabilities. You don't have to have done yoga before or be "flexible" as hatha yoga will always reward your decision to show up and try.

Wednesday is Happy Hips day in the hatha series and we will continue to play with Warrior 2 and its variations today.

See you on your mat at 930 or noon!
Namaste :)
Shawn

Hatha for Strength Fridays

Friday at 930am is Hatha for Strength in my weekly series, I know the name is a bit of a misnomer and may even scare off people looking to try their first class. I fully appreciate that sentiment! However, I chose the term to honour the yogi’s who consistently come through the door and grace our studio with their energy, breath and spirit.

Strength does not have to be defined as physical power or muscle, it could describe the incredible courage it took to make it through our door to your first class.
It could refer to the fortitude you required to ignore the urge to give yourself an excuse, leave behind the things you were doing and make time for your practice.
I also know that it takes strength to trust in a sitter for your young kids in order to make it to a class.

Most importantly, it describes the enormous energy it took some of you to just open your eyes and start another day. Life isn’t easy for most of us, anyone who knows me knows my struggles with OCD, anxiety and depression. For me, sometimes it takes literally everything I have to get up off the couch and do anything. There are days where it is a grind just to feed myself, let alone get dressed and find extra energy to make it to a class and practice. There is nothing easier than saying “maybe tomorrow”, I’m there with you and I know how often I’ve done it the last few years.

I admire every single one of you who has ever crossed our threshold and given us an opportunity to teach.
I would love to see your bravery on your mat today 😊

Namaste!
Shawn

Hatha for Balance Thursdays

Thursday morning is always the Balance day in my Hatha series at Lotus and Lettuce, we work towards finding balance between our bodies, our mindful awareness, our breath and our heartbeat; we work towards finding balance between our sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems; and we work towards strengthening our balancing asanas. 

Come join me tomorrow at 930am or maybe come try the noon Energy Boost, either way I look forward to seeing you on your mat!
Namaste :)
Shawn

30 For 30 Podcasts throws a spotlight on yoga's #MeToo moment

This is a fascinating and comprehensive look at Bikram yoga and Bikram Choudry the man. It's honest and brave, and presents very real questions for the people who claim they can separate the yoga series from the flawed and corrupt alleged "founder".

This is a must listen for every yoga teacher and potential mentor, especially for the lesson that you must be certain in your heart as to the reasons you teach, and to be constantly vigilant to not lose sight of that reason.

30 For 30 Podcasts throws a spotlight on yoga's #MeToo moment

Being a yoga teacher is challenging..

Being a yoga teacher is challenging. Being energetic, empathetic and present for each class and every student always. Being creative in class planning but staying true to your ideals and values. Ensuring every single student leaves class uninjured and safe, happy and fulfilled.

But by far the single biggest challenge is convincing people that they are capable and deserving of trying or practicing yoga in the first place.

In this age of Instagram and Facebook and social media influencers, people can be forgiven if their impression of yoga is that of the perfect lithe body in an impossibly perfect pose, wearing perfect and expensive yoga gear and pictured in the precisely perfect filter with the most perfectly chosen hashtags to bring in the perfect amount of “likes” and “shares”.

As a teacher and mentor, how do I counteract this imagery? Where are the pratfalls? The warts and imperfections? The fully lived lives and overweight bodies? Why aren’t they considered yogic on social media? And how do I convince someone they are the normal one and deserving of a yoga practice, that the social media influencer is the rare exception, that their perfect imagery is disqualifying, that it invites comparison and jealousy and discrimination?

The first and only way I can do that is to be truthful and authentic and vulnerable. I have teachers and mentors and yoga partners who support me unconditionally, and in turn I will do the same for you.

I’m no social media influencer, I’m a middle-aged man with a belly and a broken body. I’ve had cancer, survived car accidents, my ankles and knees and hamstrings ache from years of soccer, rugby and a supinated gait. I’ve had life happen to me, I deal with depression and anxiety and panic attacks and addiction. Yet every single day for years now, I’ve stepped on my mat and taken the next step on my path, my yoga journey.

Here’s the truth, everyone – the teachers, mentors, gurus, the skinny models – everyone must show up and take that first step sometime in their journey. You screw up the courage, you get on your mat and find your energetic breath. Don’t worry about the next pose or how you’ll look, do what you can that day. You are where you are on your path and that’s good enough, just get your broken imperfect body on the mat and take the next step.

My wish this week is for you to get your perfectly imperfect yoga body on your mat in our studio.
Gently close your eyes, clear your chattering monkey mind and find your energetic breath.
Gently close your eyes and maybe get a glimpse of your inner truth.
Gently close your eyes and take the next step on your profound journey.

There is no better time to find your mat, our new spring and summer schedule begins on Monday April 30th at Lotus and Lettuce Vernon; pick a class that looks appealing and come start your journey with us.

Namaste 😊
Shawn

Mothers Day 2017

Exactly 20 years ago on May 13, 1997 I received my cancer diagnosis, and my mom received hers just 2 short months after mine. 14 months later she was gone at age 55.

Today she would have been 74 and its still unfathomable that she’s been out of our lives this long, that I can’t pick up the phone and hear her voice, that we can’t share in the joy of another Oilers playoff run, watch her dance at one of Kevin’s concerts, or that she wasn’t there beaming with pride and cheering at the top of her lungs at Kevin’s wedding last month, and feel the overwhelming love she would have shared with his new bride Tricia.

I’m now approaching the same age she was when she passed and it gives me a frightening new perspective; how truly young she was when she faced this death sentence and how terrified she must have been, and how devastated she was when realizing how much of our lives she was going to miss out on.

It’s taken me a long time to overcome my bitterness at her passing and my survivors guilt for having outlived her, to come full circle to the realization that I was so blessed to have had a loving mother always in my life at every turn while she was here.  Her love and support were always unconditional and she was the one who prepared me to be the man I have eventually become.

Since the day she died, special occasions like Mother’s Day and Christmas have never been the same for me. In this age of social media it’s a constant barrage of happy wishes and photos and I just haven’t been able to not feel grief, regret and anger on these occasions. 

So today I pledged that I would sit alone with my thoughts and really meditate on changing my perspective.

I sought to feel gratitude for my great health and the extra 20 years I’ve been gifted, to allow myself to feel her pride in my recovery from rock bottom a few short years ago, and feel the bliss of knowing she was there and fully a part of the wedding ceremony in her own way. I believe with all my heart that she has never really left me and today I could feel her great joy in the path my life has taken.

As the day wore on I did feel the weight lift; I was able to enjoy the Okanagan sunshine and the smiles of the happy families walking by the studio and really share in the joy so many people feel on days like this.

Today, for the first time in 20 years, I can sincerely and authentically say Happy Mother’s Day.

"Over and Away She Goes" Bill Fox

Over and away she goes, over and away she often goes

And leaves me here, inside a drink

To find another sense of wonder, wonder why she goes?

Over and away she moves, spilling grooves and taking chances there

It’s not her hair I’m tangled in

It’s just another sense of wonder, I wonder why she goes?

She moves and drives, she drives and moves around

No wonder, no wonder for the sounds

Hoping dearly she returns, in every place my body burns

Over wild, over snow

It’s just another sense of wonder, wonder why she goes?

Back and forth the wheels roll out, and my heart is filled with doubt

Change my clothes, blow my nose

It’s just another sense of wonder, wonder why she goes?

Down in a Hole

It all finally came to a head last week, sitting in my car in front of the yoga studio...paralyzed and hyperventilating, in the middle of a full on anxiety attack.

This is insane, get a fucking grip…this is a safe place, they know you, its just a yoga class…but no, I slowly put the car in drive and slink home, now furious at myself for how ridiculous this all is.

It was a culmination though, and if I could ignore it and slough it off for most of the summer now it was staring me dead in the face. The signs were all there and I was quite familiar with them. I had slipped back into depression, a minor slump compared to my past but it was real nonetheless. All summer long I had struggled with a lack of ambition, I had abandoned my daily yoga practise and I was spending most of my free time alone on the couch and stuck in my head.

When I was told this would be a year of big changes I could only imagine the positive possibilities and set out to make this a landmark year in my life. The card readings and my own angel cards had correctly predicted great changes but the reality was the changes were positive and negative; a year of two steps forward two steps back, amazing great fortune and personal growth but tied equally to great tragedy and loss.

The positives are beyond all expectations and I am grateful for all of the abundance I’ve been given; a great new job with a team that values me and offers me the flexibility to pursue all of my goals, my new career teaching yoga at studios that value my contributions and fellow students who look forward to being on the mat with me, family and friends who love me, mentors who understand me and never fail to challenge and guide me.

Yet inevitably I find myself dwelling in the deep negative recesses; being surrounded by loving friends and family and yet having to deal with the loss of two loved ones in less than a month, my amazing new job came after quitting a good company and being fired by another in rapid succession, my fulfilling and rewarding teacher training came about as a result of having to abandon my goal of travelling to Bali, my great new career teaching yoga leaving me feeling at times like a fraud who had nothing new to offer the community. Intellectually I can recognize the futility and foolishness of dwelling there but depression doesn't live in the intellect. 

Sobriety has no downside, and not drinking means having to feel the pain close to the bone. The days where I would have medicated myself into a stupor are long gone, so I can recognize the panic attack as a wake up call. A chance to see the symptoms for what they are and to retrace the steps that took me back into the light the last time I traveled this path.

A quick check of the calendar sees the year of big happy changes isn’t over yet, time still to see what else it has in store...

Down in a Hole – Alice in Chains

Bury me softly in this womb
I give this part of me for you
Sand rains down and here I sit
Holding rare flowers
In a tomb... in bloom

Down in a hole and I don't know if I can be saved
See my heart I decorate it like a grave
Oh, you don't understand who they thought I was supposed to be
Look at me now I'm a man who won't let himself be

Down in a hole, feeling so small
Down in a hole, losing my soul
I'd like to fly,
But my wings have been so denied

Down in a hole and they've put all the stones in their place
I've eaten the sun so my tongue has been burned of the taste
I have been guilty of kicking myself in the teeth
I will speak no more of my feelings beneath

Down in a hole, feeling so small
Down in a hole, losing my soul
I'd like to fly but my
Wings have been so denied

Bury me softly in this womb
Oh I want to be inside of you
I give this part of me for you
Oh I want to be inside of you
Sand rains down and here I sit
Holding rare flowers (Oh I want to be inside of you)
In a tomb... in bloom
Oh I want to be inside...

Down in a hole, feeling so small
Down in a hole, losing my soul
Down in a hole, feeling so small
Down in a hole, out of control
I'd like to fly but my
Wings have been so denied

Marlene (Corbett) McMann February 16, 1943 - September 6, 1998

Mom’s anniversary, 18 years ago today…

A particularly poignant anniversary as I begin to approach the age she was when she passed away.

I’ve fought so many exhausting battles over 18 years with the conflicted feelings this death and this anniversary bring...

Some I have finally been able to abandon and let go

Some I’ve resolved and come to grips with

Some are just newly revealed to me this year

I still miss her every day, there are so many times I’ve wished I could share accomplishments and personal growth with her…just grab the phone and call her to hear her say she was proud…

Too many family celebrations and milestones tick by without her beaming smile...

Too many family tragedies that would have been easier to cope with if she had just been there…particularly considering the events this summer...

18 years, the age I was when I first moved away from home and the place I wish every day I could return to…

This Woman's Work – Kate Bush

Pray God you can cope

I stand outside this woman's work

This woman's world

Ooh, it's hard on the man

Now his part is over

Now starts the craft of the father

I know you've got a little life in you yet

I know you've got a lot of strength left

I know you've got a little life in you yet

I know you've got a lot of strength left

I should be crying, but I just can't let it show

I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking

Of all the things I should've said

That I never said

All the things we should've done

Though we never did

All the things I should've given

But I didn't

Oh, darling, make it go

Make it go away

Give me these moments back

Give them back to me

Give me that little kiss

Give me your hand

(I know you have a little life in you yet)

(I know you have a lot of strength left)

(I know you have a little life in you yet)

(I know you have a lot of strength left)

I should be crying, but I just can't let it show

I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking

Of all the things we should've said

That we never said

All the things we should've done

Though we never did

All the things that you needed from me

All the things that you wanted for me

All the things that I should've given

But I didn't

Oh, darling, make it go away

Just make it go away now

Carol Corbett October 21, 1947 - August 23, 2016

The above picture was taken at Christmas in 1996. It seems like literally yesterday but of course it was two decades ago; and yet that still seems like such a cruelly short time when I reflect on the photo and the fact that four beloved family members in the shot have now all passed. My mother, my grandmother, my wife and my aunt were all constants in my life, people I cherished and loved and missed when they were alive and now each of them have moved on to the next room to have a conversation and a laugh just out of earshot, I can hear them whispering but I can’t make them out tonight…

Light Years – Pearl Jam

I've used hammers made out of wood
I have played games with pieces and rules
I've deciphered tricks at the bar
But now you're gone
I haven't figured out why
I've come up with riddles
And jokes about war
I've figured out numbers and what there for
I've understood feelings
And I've understood words
But how could you be taken away

And wherever you've gone
And where ever we might go
It don't seem fair
Today just disappeared
Your lights reflected now
Reflected from a far
We were but stones
Your light made us stars

With heavy breath
Awakens regrets
Back pages and days alone the could've been spent
Together but we were miles apart
Every inch between becomes light years now
No time to be void
Or save up on life
Uh you've got to spend it all

And wherever you've gone
And where ever we might go
It don't seem fair
You seem to like it here
Your lights reflected now
Reflected from a far
We were but stones
Your light made us stars

And wherever you've gone
And wherever we might go
It don't seem fair
Today just disappeared
Your lights reflected now
Reflected from a far
We were but stones
Your light made us stars