Sunday, May 14, 2017

Mothers Day 2017






Exactly 20 years ago on May 13, 1997 I received my cancer diagnosis, and my mom received hers just 2 short months after mine. 14 months later she was gone at age 55.

Today she would have been 74 and its still unfathomable that she’s been out of our lives this long, that I can’t pick up the phone and hear her voice, that we can’t share in the joy of another Oilers playoff run, watch her dance at one of Kevin’s concerts, or that she wasn’t there beaming with pride and cheering at the top of her lungs at Kevin’s wedding last month, and feel the overwhelming love she would have shared with his new bride Tricia.

I’m now approaching the same age she was when she passed and it gives me a frightening new perspective; how truly young she was when she faced this death sentence and how terrified she must have been, and how devastated she was when realizing how much of our lives she was going to miss out on.

It’s taken me a long time to overcome my bitterness at her passing and my survivors guilt for having outlived her, to come full circle to the realization that I was so blessed to have had a loving mother always in my life at every turn while she was here.  Her love and support were always unconditional and she was the one who prepared me to be the man I have eventually become.

Since the day she died, special occasions like Mother’s Day and Christmas have never been the same for me. In this age of social media it’s a constant barrage of happy wishes and photos and I just haven’t been able to not feel grief, regret and anger on these occasions. 

So today I pledged that I would sit alone with my thoughts and really meditate on changing my perspective.

I sought to feel gratitude for my great health and the extra 20 years I’ve been gifted, to allow myself to feel her pride in my recovery from rock bottom a few short years ago, and feel the bliss of knowing she was there and fully a part of the wedding ceremony in her own way. I believe with all my heart that she has never really left me and today I could feel her great joy in the path my life has taken.

As the day wore on I did feel the weight lift; I was able to enjoy the Okanagan sunshine and the smiles of the happy families walking by the studio and really share in the joy so many people feel on days like this.


Today, for the first time in 20 years, I can sincerely and authentically say Happy Mother’s Day.





"Over and Away She Goes" Bill Fox

Over and away she goes, over and away she often goes
And leaves me here, inside a drink
To find another sense of wonder, wonder why she goes?

Over and away she moves, spilling grooves and taking chances there
It’s not her hair I’m tangled in
It’s just another sense of wonder, I wonder why she goes?

She moves and drives, she drives and moves around
No wonder, no wonder for the sounds

Hoping dearly she returns, in every place my body burns
Over wild, over snow
It’s just another sense of wonder, wonder why she goes?

Back and forth the wheels roll out, and my heart is filled with doubt
Change my clothes, blow my nose
It’s just another sense of wonder, wonder why she goes?





1 comment:

  1. I really identified with your Mother's Day blog. First - I am so happy for you. Second - I too am embracing my extra 20lbs....I think it just means we have finally found happiness and love ourselves. Third - your mom....she sounds incredible. It made me cry a little how sad her passing made you. As a nurse...I've been honoured and privileged to be a part of many deaths. What I want you to know is, in the end, she wasn't fearful. She was at peace. She raised a beautiful man in you - she knew that. The ones who are left behind are the ones who are scared to go on without the one we lost ❤️

    Kim Tupala

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