What does yoga mean to me? Chapter 25 - Drunk Driver

Presented without context or comment;

·         March 1989 - DUI .24

·         May 1989 - DUI .14 

·         July 2001 - 24 Hr. Roadside Suspension

·         May 2009 – 24 Hr. Roadside Suspension

·         December 2009 – DUI .17

·         March 2011 – 24 Hr. Roadside Suspension 

"Drunk Drivers / Killer Whales" Car Seat Headrest

In the backseat of my heart
My love tells me I'm a mess
I couldn't get the car to start
I left my keys somewhere in the mess

It comes and goes in plateaus
One month later I'm a fucking pro
My parents would be proud
Or fall asleep on the floor
Forget what happened in the morning
There are notes in your handwriting
But you can't make it out

We are not a proud race
It's not a race at all
We're just trying
I'm only trying to get home
Drunk drivers, drunk drivers
This is not a good thing
I don't mean to rationalize
Or try and explain it away
It's not OK
Drunk drivers, drunk drivers

It's too late to articulate it
That empty feeling
You share the same fate as the people you hate
You build yourself up against others' feelings
And it left you feeling empty as a car coasting downhill
I have become such a negative person
It was all just an act
It was all so easily stripped away

But if we learn how to live like this
Maybe we can learn how to start again
Like a child who's never done wrong
Who hasn't taken that first step

We are not a proud race
It's not a race at all
We're just trying
I'm only trying to get home
Drunk drivers, drunk drivers
Put it out of your mind
And perish the thought
There's no comfort in responsibility
Drunk drivers, drunk drivers

It doesn't have to be like this
It doesn't have to be like this
It doesn't have to be like this
Killer whales, killer whales
It doesn't have to be like this
It doesn't have to be like this
It doesn't have to be like this

Here's that voice in your head
Giving you shit again
But you know he loves you
And he doesn't mean to cause you pain
Please listen to him
It's not too late
Turn off the engine
Get out of the car
And start to walk

Drunk drivers

What does yoga mean to me? Chapter 24 - Liar

How could I have been surprised? Sitting in this office and watching my contract get torn up in pieces was absolutely inevitable.

This behaviour was something I had witnessed for years, the way the brothers had routinely dealt with employees, suppliers and clients alike; bald faced lying, broken promises and broken contracts, constant threats of legal action to keep people from suing them first, credit accounts always past due and cut off, even rumours of dealings with biker gangs and other potentially worse criminal activity.

Sitting in this chair now there was shock to be sure, in the past I had always felt immune to it all. I hadn’t been unscathed by any means but I had always kept my head down and stayed out of the way so for the most part I avoided their chaos.

However, I was more than aware of the valued colleagues abused, stolen from and lied to; the beloved clients who had walked away after one lie too many from the faces of the company.

This time it was my turn, I had been set up and I had been too naïve and arrogant to see it coming.

So here I was, I had painted myself into a corner. The middle brother was still ranting but I was too stunned to listen closely. I was reeling and started to panic as I realized my stark options - slink home in shame, swallow my pride and admit defeat, but resume an admittedly comfortable if problematic life?

Stay and endure complete humiliation working for a madman?

Or was there a third option, a Hail Mary?

I quickly headed home to pack a bag and left for Edmonton that morning. Bob had coached and tutored me all year, it was his vision of my future I had bought into; how could he not be my advocate now and step in on my behalf?

The nine-hour drive back was torture, and I was at the Edmonton office at 6am so I could be the first thing Bob dealt with.

He pulled into the parking lot at 8am sharp and as soon as I saw his face I knew I was completely and totally fucked…it was clear the brothers had been on the phone getting their story straight and now it was his turn to twist the knife.

-          I was Kelowna’s problem now, I didn’t work for Bob anymore so there was nothing he could do even if he wanted to, what was I even doing in Edmonton without permission, I hadn’t cleared the trip with the Kelowna office and they were now considering firing me, did I realize how much trouble I was in… - 

In hindsight, I could have walked into a dozen offices in Edmonton and been hired that afternoon. Realistically though there was no way I was mentally prepared to face my friends and family and admit that everything I had worked for and planned for that summer was a lie.

I got back in the car and started the long drive back and this time the drive was far worse. There was no mistaking what my next meeting was going to be like; I was either going to be fired or accept a job working for one of the worst people I had ever known.

There were no surprises this time. I was written up for insubordination, the original contract offer was officially rescinded due to the written warning now on my file (WTF?) and my new job would be selling for him in the Kelowna and South Okanagan. There would be no salary, I would work for commission only and I would receive no leads from the office, I was expected to door knock everyday to find my sales. I knew how hard my job had just become but I accepted anyway.

"Liar" Built to Spill

I wouldn't be a liar
No, I wouldn't be a liar
If I told you that
I wouldn't be a liar

When things are all you think of
And plans are all you make
And thoughts are all you dream of
Your falls are all you take

Look out, the world's destroying you
Relax, it isn't fair
Mother nature's disposition
She don't mind, she don't care

She don't mind, she don't care

I wouldn't be a liar
No, I wouldn't be a liar
If I told you that
I wouldn't be a liar

Passing over, passions pour
Passing everything
I wouldn't be a liar
No, I wouldn't be a liar
If I told you that

It takes up all of your life
These decisions you make
It takes up all of a day
Making them all

Well, outside on the patio
The piano's weeping too
Forget about it all for a little while
She don't mind, she don't care

She don't mind, she don't care
She don't mind, she don't care

And I wouldn't be a liar
No, I wouldn't be a liar
If I told you that
I wouldn't be a liar

You see, it seems minor to me
You see, it seems minor to me
You see, it seems minor to me
You see, it seems minor

What does yoga mean to me? Chapter 23 - Betray

The move to Kelowna was strictly ego driven and I spent no time considering the pros and cons intelligently. I had been dealt so many body blows the last five years that I just needed something positive to cling to, a chance to look forward to a new adventure that could potentially turn my luck around.

Since the day I left Cranbrook in 1993 I had developed a subtle habit of packing up and moving every three to five years and this would fit the pattern nicely, a chance to wipe the slate clean and start fresh in a place where almost no one would know me. I spent the summer crowing to anyone who would listen that I was moving back to paradise and I enjoyed the brief notoriety it afforded me.

None of this masked that it was a terrible decision and deep inside I knew it. The problems I was trying to escape were certainly going to follow me and the move was going to permanently sever my last ties to any kind of accountability or moral support.

Even with close friends and family to lean on I was now consistently drinking a six-pack of Guinness chased with Scotch and a full litre of vodka every single day and had completely blown through my savings and investments in an attempt to hide the damage it was doing to my finances. I drove drunk or hung over literally every day and I was in daily physical agony from the combination of the car accident and the unhealthy diet. I had no clue how I would cope alone and yet here I was, on the brink of almost certain self destruction with no way to back down and save face. My ego was too exposed to allow me to make the brave decision and stop the process.

More unfortunate, if I had been brave I could have saved my brother Kevin a lot of pain too. My decision had the unintended consequence of throwing his life into turmoil and I was too wrapped up in my plans to see how much I had hurt him. I was leaving him in the lurch with no place to live and very little time to make suitable arrangements. Since the day Angela had left he had been the one to keep an eye on me when I was passed out late at night, he would always make sure the rent cheque was covered when I was spending my share in the pub and he was the last remaining person who had the courage to call me on my shit when it got to be too much. Now I was discarding him in my haste to try and outrun my pain.

Originally I was expected to move in March, and it was now August with no arrangements committed to yet. It should have been obvious they were stalling to buy more time to be able to afford my new contract and the delay should have been the trigger that allowed me to back out but I was fully committed now.

I pushed the owners hard to pick a date to start and we finally agreed I would be in Kelowna to fill my new position at the beginning of October. I cleaned out my house, put everything in storage and said my goodbyes. I gave up my hockey and football season tickets and prepared for what I thought would be a permanent move back to BC.

I should have seen this all coming, in hindsight I feel like I walked into the buzz saw deliberately in an effort to punish myself. At any rate, I had made the mistake of building a relationship with the senior brother but had no connection with the other two. I had seen all along how they battled and cheated each other and their many colleagues in the industry. None of what happened should ever have surprised me. And yet…

I showed up for my first day in Kelowna and was immediately called into middle brother’s office.

“You know I run the BC region correct?”

“Of course!” I replied.

He picked up my contract from a pile of papers on his desk and started to tear it into tiny pieces.

“You don’t work for Edmonton anymore, you work for me and I won’t be honouring any off this bullshit. You can stay and sell for me or you can go home. Either way, I don’t give a shit….”

“Betray” Minor Threat

Maybe it was no one's fault

I know it wasn't mine

But now that you've moved along

I guess I'm next in line

I thought we had the same ideas

But you, you proved me wrong

I've been played the fool before

But never for quite so long

Betray, betray, betray, betray

Betray, betray, betray, betray

So what now?

Do we shake hands and go on our separate ways;

Or do I open my mind and follow you into the haze?

No, I'll see you tomorrow

Same channel, same time, same place

I'm not going anywhere 'cause I quit your fucking race

Betray, betray, betray, betray

Betray, betray, betray, betray

Goddamit, we were supposed to stay young

And now it's over, it's finished

It's done, no expectations

Were on the run but now it's over

It's finished, it's done

Over and done, the end

What does yoga mean to me? Chapter 22 - Florida

April 2008 was a blur of physio, acupuncture and chiropractic appointments. My health benefits came nowhere near to covering my expenses so I went straight to work the week after the accident; between the physical agony and the daily hangovers my work activity level plummeted. I was still successfully selling but I was doing the absolute bare minimum to keep my income acceptable and when the senior brother called me into his office one afternoon I was expecting the worst.

I couldn’t have been more wrong though. He had noticed the changes in me since the end of my marriage and the accident and had a proposition for me. He suggested that a fresh start and a change of scenery was the best solution for my run of bad luck and that a newly created position in the Okanagan was mine if I wanted it. Even better, he offered to take me under his wing on a mentorship with an eye to becoming a partner in the company.

I was overjoyed!! I had spent most of my life in BC and even though I had family and good friends in Edmonton, I was tired of the rut I had dug for myself and I accepted both of the offers immediately.

The coaching began right away, and in a series of meetings we negotiated the new position, compensation and benefits. I was to move out to Penticton to open a new office and develop the south Okanagan territory. I would be a Regional Manager answering to the head office in Edmonton, and I would be required to hire the staff and run the new office. Eventually I would become a full partner in the company with the potential to take over complete ownership once the brothers retired.

Almost from the start there were red flags that should have caused me to back away. First, a colleague let slip that she had been made the same offers months before and had turned them down. Second, there was nothing but confusion regarding when the move would actually take place. I pushed to go right away, but there were a series of lame excuses and avoidance as spring turned into summer until finally he relented and set the first week of October as the date I would head out to Kelowna to start my new adventure. My brother found a new place to live; I negotiated to break the lease in my rental home, packed my belongings into storage and made all the final preparations to head west.

I hadn’t reached rock bottom yet but I was now moving into position to see it if I looked hard enough…

"Florida" Modest Mouse

Although we often wondered, it was no thing of wonder

The shit that flew from our minds

Well, grass stains and fresh fruit remind our shoes of horse glue

On this ridiculous climb

With great tunnel vision, we built ourselves a mission

To ride out motives inside

Oh, with vague description of what we have been missing

So why would anyone try

It was always worth it

That's the part I seem to hide

And the busy ant empire

Put all your clothes inside

I wasn't always cargo, I was kind of my own

I guess I'll pack up my mind

I it took so much effort not to make an effort

Oh, what a flawless design

It was always worth it

That's the part I seem to hide

And the busy ant empire

Put all your clothes inside, even as I left Florida

It was always worth it

That's the part I seem to hide

And the busy ant empire

Has always were to hide

It was always worth it

That's the part I seem to hide, even as I left Florida

Far enough, far enough, wasn't far enough

Couldn't quite seem to escape myself

Far enough, far enough, far from Florida

We were all drowsing in cruise control

Far enough, far enough, wasn't far enough

I stood on my heart supports thinkin'

Oh, my God

I'll probably have to carry this whole load

I couldn't remember if I tried

I couldn't remember if I took my brain out

Threw it so directly at the goal

I couldn't remember if I, I could have my mind erased

And still not know exactly what I don't already know, even as I left Florida

What does yoga mean to me? Chapter 21 - It's Not the Fall That Hurts

Once the house had been packed and moved at the end of July 2002, I had serious decisions to make. Angela had already been in Edmonton for months and now my house and home were there too.

My railroad job was BC based and I had nine years of seniority built up as an engineer.

My options were to stay on the seniority list and try to find postings that provided bunkhouse accommodations, try to find a railroad job in Alberta, or quit railroading altogether and start a new career.

My heart told me it was time for the third option as I had been unhappy with the working conditions and the labour relations for years, but I still went in to the CP Rail depot to drop off my resume when I was home for a few days in August.

The rest of the summer saw me travel back and forth between Edmonton and Northern BC as I would get some shifts in and then come home for a few days. The driving was already unbearable and it wasn’t even winter yet so I knew this was unsustainable.

At the end of August while I was home, my neighbour came over to introduce himself. It was a friendly enough visit but he also had a motive, he owned a security alarm company and he was here to try and sell me a system. We had a nice conversation, I agreed to think about the quote he presented but then he surprised me with a seemingly offhand comment.

“When you get sick of all the driving, come and see me about a job…”

I chuckled, thanked him and showed him out, but I couldn’t possibly take the offer seriously! I knew absolutely nothing about the security industry and the pay cut would be drastic. When Angela got home we both had a good laugh and I forgot about it immediately.

Not a week later I was on my way to Prince George to start a week as a yard engineer, and as I drove through Jasper it began to snow…in August.

The rest of the drive was miserable, and once I got to PG things got worse. I had been bumped from my expected job and now I was told to be in Quesnel the next day. I jumped in the car to carry on, but before I arrived there I was told I had been bumped again and now was on the board in Williams Lake. Furious, I asked them to book me off duty with an illness and turned around to head back to Edmonton. The entire trip had been dangerous, tiring and ultimately pointless. I was heading home having made no money and it would be at least a week before I would return to work again.

As I drove home I started to reconsider my neighbours offer and tried to imagine a way I could make a new job work financially. By the time I got home to Edmonton I had made up my mind that I would take a leave of absence from the railroad and give something new a try. If the pay was low enough I could actually top it up with Employment Insurance payments and our finances would be manageable. I gave him a call when I got home on Saturday and was startled to learn I would start my new job on Monday.

There were several things about working for a family owned company that were new and very different than I was accustomed to. On the positive side, I no longer had to work in a contentious labor union v management environment. Everyone was treated like family and there were real efforts to have everyone feel like they were a part of something. If you had an idea that you thought would work there was an open door to discuss it and the company was nimble and agile at the start.

On the negative side, it was run like a family business, in that the family had short fuses and had no problem airing out the dirty laundry in front of everyone. There were three brothers in charge and a nephew on the staff as well and they all had open running conflicts with one another. It was not uncommon to see an actual fist fight break out in the middle of the office.

Second, the three brothers all wanted to live like millionaires and pay themselves accordingly, often at the expense of minor things like paying suppliers or employees. There were a couple times that payroll was late, and we often had to delay installations until cash could be raised to get product released.

Personally, I found it to be the perfect environment to start a new career. In many ways it was like the Wild West but there was a real encouragement to learn and grow, and the company was big enough that product reps took us seriously and spent time with me to help with the learning curve.

At the start, I was a simple labourer. I would ride in the van with an experienced tech and shadow them on the job site. I would assist where I could and do the tasks that made their life simple, and they were always great about answering my questions and allowing me to try new techniques. I found myself enjoying it so much that in December when I got a call from CP Rail saying they were interested in hiring me, I wasted no time declining the offer, and I also sent in my final resignation papers with BC Rail. The conversion was complete.

In the spring of 2003, I was called into the senior brother’s office for a meeting, where the unexpected offer was made to move me into sales. I had always imagined myself in sales in an alternate life and I was thrilled to accept on the spot.  I decided I would sink or swim and chose to be paid in full commission; my reasoning was I would very quickly find out if I was cut out for the sales life. I had a massively steep learning curve but I found I had a natural ability as well, and by the end of the summer I was back to making as much as I had on the railroad!

There was an unexpected bonus in choosing to be paid full commission. I had complete freedom to make my own hours and come and go as I pleased, as long as I made my targets. Month over month I was beating even my own lofty goals and I soon grew to love the lifestyle and free time the new career afforded me. By 2007, even with Angela gone along with her share of the household income, I was earning enough on my own to compensate.

Despite everything else in my life going to hell, career wise my life was as good as it had ever been. I was content, I had freedom and I had a great income.

Of course the universe was going to pull that rug out from under me as well.

It's Not the Fall That Hurts - Caesars

All my life I've been fall- fall- falling apart,

Been tumbling down quick first right from the start

I never learned just get up and go on

Until I'm just knocked right off of my feet

But it's not the fall that hurts

It's when you hit the ground

Cause it's not the fall that hurts

It's when you hit the ground

Stumblin' with every step I take

And it seems I can't get a grip

I'm soon gonna slip

And then I look down

I see that the ground

Is closing in fast again

And then boom

But it's not the fall that hurts

It's when you hit the ground

Cause it's not the fall that hurts

It's when you hit the ground

What does yoga mean to me? Chapter 20 - Wake up to the Sun

I’m alive?? What the hell is she talking about?

I tried to slide out of my seat...shit, the seatbelt...I reached to try and unbuckle and instantly felt a jolt in my damaged thumb.

What the hell is going on?

The four doors of my jeep had sprung open on impact and I was freezing cold.

I took a deep breath and tried to orient myself. Ok, right, I was in an accident…broken bones? I can’t tell…OK start at the top.

My head was killing me, my face hurt like hell. Airbag...No real damage though.

My front teeth were veneers, they were shattered…OK I can deal with that.

My shoulder was pinched by the seat belt harness and my rotator cuff was torn.

Both thumbs sprained from gripping the steering wheel.

Both knees sprained from whiplash on the sudden stop.

But I’m alright!! I am alive! I tried again to unbuckle but now the EMT’s were there, talking to me like I was a child…I’m fine I’m fine I just want to go home…They strapped me to a back board and loaded me into the ambulance. The x-rays showed no other damage, and my brother was called to come take me home.

I woke up on Friday to a brilliant sunny day, damaged but not broken. It should have been a wakeup call, another one to join the thousands before. Instead I just felt euphoria, and I went about the day walking on air, completely oblivious to the months of sheer agony and physio that waited for me just a short day away.

“Wake Up To the Sun” Limblifter

Wake up to the sun, to the sun

Wake up to the sun, to the sun

Do ya don't ya see emergency red

As cynical as a tank captain

Dirty we met in the shelter

We live in the shelter

We'd all like to be clear

But I don't want to leave

We lift off in asylum green

Wake up to the sun, to the sun

Wake up to the sun, to the sun

Ya I may be hoping to get held captive

Elevating a pattern drunk captain

Dirty we grow in the shelter

We fight in the shelter

We all get to be clear

And I don't want to leave

We feel good in asylum green

Wake up to the sun, to the sun

Wake up to the sun, to the sun

Wake up to the sun, to the sun

Relax, wake up

Relax

Relax

I'm pale in comparison

No reason to be mean

It's confusing me

Stop confusing me

Relax it's confusing me

What does yoga mean to me? Chapter 19 - Simple Song

I’ve always been a strong driver and have logged hundreds of thousands of kilometers in my life due to the transient nature of my railroad career. The years I lived in northern BC I averaged 75,000 kms per year travelling from bunkhouse to bunkhouse chasing my seniority number.

For two straight years I drove from PG to Mackenzie and back every day to work a yard engine job switching the mills. This was in the years before satellite radio and I soon exhausted the CD collection, so I got a city library card and listened to every book on tape I could find; eventually the drive became so routine that I began to read actual books while I drove to stem the boredom. More times than I can recall, I would head out on the drive north in the dead of winter only to come across a police roadblock for a closed highway. I would show them my engineer’s license and they would wish me good luck and wave me through.

In all my years in BC I never had an accident and eventually reached the highest levels of ICBC’s rate discounts and driver rating. I took great pride in my ability and always took care to drive a good vehicle in excellent repair.

My heavy drinking began to take its toll on me in ways I could recognize but in many ways I couldn’t as well. I would wake up each morning in denial, telling myself that because I wasn’t vomiting or suffering from a headache that I must not be hungover; but the truth is I was a zombie at best, and still likely drunk at worst.

My new sales job in Edmonton required me to drive all day to all parts of the city, and the heavy traffic and numerous construction zones required more of me than I was able to offer in this shape. It was absolutely inevitable that my luck was going to change, but I was unprepared for just how much.

My first accident occurred in October 2006 and was innocent enough, I was stopped behind a vehicle trying to exit in front of me when a pickup with an overload couldn’t stop in time and smashed into me from behind. My vehicle was destroyed and I was relatively seriously injured, but there were no broken bones and I thought if this was the worst that could happen I would be alright.

One week later I was driving Angela’s car while we waited for a replacement for mine, and in wet and slippery conditions I slid through a stop sign and collided with another car trying to turn left across my lane. I wasn’t hurt in this accident as far as I could tell and we joked about things happening in threes.

Two weeks later I was driving our new rental car on the west end of the Anthony Henday when a deer bolted out from the trees and slammed into the side of my car, tearing off the side mirror. Again I wasn’t seriously injured and since my bad streak should have come to an end now, I breathed a sigh of relief and moved on.

March 20, 2008 was typical of most work days for me now. I booked all of my appointments between 10am and 3pm, with an eye to heading to the pub as soon as possible after. The day changed though when my afternoon appointment ran long and a late call came in for an ASAP meeting shortly after that kept me from the pub after all.

The Oilers were on TV that night so I decided I would head home, stopping to get dinner and a bottle on the way. I pulled on to the Henday and headed west on the south leg, turning up the radio to listen to the first period. I was sober but tired and was looking forward to finding my couch and settling in, when I noticed a black pickup racing up behind me, then pulling into the left lane to pass me. As we approached the 111^th Avenue overpass the truck suddenly slammed on the brakes and pulled across both lanes in front of me…

I never had a chance to even consider braking. I tore into the pickup’s box and ripped it from the frame. My Jeep SUV folded into an accordion, and the airbags knocked me unconscious.

I don’t know how long I was out but when I came to I was confused, why couldn’t I hear the hockey game?? I reached to try and turn up the silent radio when I noticed a terrified woman  who burst into tears as she leaned in the passenger side of my dead vehicle…

”You’re alive!! Don’t move, the ambulance is here!!!”

“Simple Song” Avail

Going over in my head what seems like everything,

Remembering commitments that nowadays just blend,

I don't know where I'm going and I don't think that I care,

I had my taste wound up misplaced bounced off those troubles clear.

Did I trip myself up again?

Did I see more than you did?

Did I trip myself up again?

Did I see more than you did?

Decisions made without regard returning as regret,

I knew they could but thought they would come crashing with success

They know nothing about me and I really doubt they care,

But that's alright cause by myself I do fine anywhere

Did I trip myself up again?

Did I see more than you did?

Did I trip myself up again?

Did I see more than you did?

It seems like I shouldn't have pushed it,

Hid myself and lost focus for a change

Shouldn't have made myself committed,

I got to know that one by now,

I'm better off without

Going over in my head what seems like everything,

Remembering commitments that nowadays just blend

I don't know where I'm going and I don't think that I care,

I had my taste wound up misplaced bounced off those troubles clear

Did I trip myself up again?

Did I see more than you did?

Did I trip myself up again?

Did I see more than you did?

It seems like I shouldn't have pushed it,

Hid myself and lost focus for a change

Shouldn't have made myself committed,

I got to know that one by now,

I'm better off without

What does yoga mean to me? Chapter 18 - Whose Authority?

The truth is, as I stood in my kitchen surveying the situation, all I felt was total and complete relief. The Band-Aid was ripped clean off and I could finally breathe again. I knew in my heart there would never have been a time where I would have ended things myself so this was the only way I would ever get on with living my life again.

I had a lot of scrambling to do to get my financial affairs back in order and I needed to fill the extra room in the house in order to continue staying there; but on the positive side, I could tear the fucking lock off the master bedroom door and sleep in my own bed again. I didn’t have the constant dread of finding Angela hurt or worse, and I didn’t have to tiptoe around the house waiting for an inevitable dressing down for some imagined transgression.

As luck would have it, my brother Kevin had been looking for a better living arrangement and we quickly agreed that he would move in and split the rent and utilities with me. I opened new bank accounts, reset my automatic deposits and debits and in just a few days I had most of my finances back on track. My life really wasn't compromised that much, I still had a great job and a good place to live.

Of course, mentally I was now completely untethered. I still couldn’t comprehend what exactly had occurred the last few months, or even years.

I would lay awake at night staring at the ceiling and listening to the chatter in my head until I couldn’t stand it anymore and in frustration I would turn on the TV to stare at it until the sun came up and I could start my day again. I lost a lot of weight in a very short time from the stress and I would stumble through my days in a sleepless stupor.

With no one expecting me at home, I was now spending six afternoons a week in the pub. I would waste my days counting the seconds until I could head towards Whyte Avenue again, and most of my meals were picked up at a drive thru window on the way home from happy hour.

More insidious though, I was now in the habit of picking up a litre of vodka everyday on the way home. I discovered if I drank until I blacked out I could silence the chatter and actually rest at night, and my OCD loved the ritual I created for myself.

I would come home, pop the bottle in the freezer while I ate my dinner, then I would fill a tumbler with six ounces of straight vodka and settle into my spot on the couch. Most days I could get to the fourth glass before I blacked out, usually sitting up and still in my clothes, where I would remain until the sun came up and woke me. I would place the half empty glass in the freezer, toss out the empty bottle and head for the shower to start my day.

"Whose Authority" Nada Surf  

I walk like you guide me, my eyes
Are shut like I'm blind
Turn to you and listening and tryin'
To be in your mind

There's a feeling that I get
When I look to the west
Having all the answers
Still failing the test

Wolf packs and convoys and
Captains and men
Surprised in translation
World without end

Welcome back to real life
The picture is gone
Put a contract out on things that go on and on

How do you stay where
You most want to be?
Where'd you get the patience
Did it come easily?

On whose authority
I have none over me
On whose authority
There's none that I can see
On whose authority
I have none over me
On whose authority
No one speaks to me
On whose authority
I have none over me ...

ahhhhhhh

All the tales with paper heroes
The ones who dyed the sun
And called it yellow
The ones who make you run

On whose authority
I have none over me
On whose authority
There's none that I can see
On whose authority
I have none over me
On whose authority
Nothing speaks to me
On whose authority
I have none over me ...
ahhhhhhh

What does yoga mean to me? Chapter 17 - Human

I stood in the front foyer of our house, and I could just tell...

But if I was completely honest, all I felt was relief. I had been lying to myself for years, and if she hadn’t left who knows how many more years I would have held on. I hadn’t truly loved her in a long time; I was miserable, lonely and tired. The fight to stay with her had been pointless and one sided and in the end I was left with just this empty house. And her goddamned cat…she left her miserable fucking cat with me. I laughed for a moment, dropped my keys and stepped inside to see the note on the dining room table. I didn’t need to read it; it was just going to be more of her bullshit. I realized in that moment I likely never really knew her, just an image I had created of her and that she allowed me to perpetuate.

As I stood there though, the trapdoor swung open and I instantly realized what she would have come home for. She needed those few days to pack some things, but more importantly she would have needed money.

I poured myself a vodka and sat down to take stock. She had closed all of our joint accounts after our last big fight and I didn’t even have a bank card with my name on it. She controlled all of the credit cards too. She couldn’t have planned any of this but it wouldn’t have worked this well if she had tried. I was literally penniless and still a week away from a pay cheque that would be deposited into her account…

I needed a bigger bottle of vodka…

In the coming days, I would learn that she had been cheating on me since the first summer after we were married. I learned that she had run away to Prince George from Edmonton in an attempt to return to one of these liaisons.

In the very near future I would get a call from a lawyer, not regarding a settlement with her but another more insidious reason. The one asset she had left my name on was her car, and she had a serious accident in Regina during one of her blackouts. Her Saskatchewan insurance was voided because of her condition, and because she wasn’t working they were now going to come after me for the $50,000 she owed.

She called up out of the blue at Christmas of 2009. We hadn’t had any reason to speak since shortly after she left and because it was the season and I was drunk I felt amicable enough. We made small talk and she tried to think of some excuse for why she called but it didn’t matter.

She had some good health news; they had finally tied all of her symptoms together and diagnosed Celiac! Of course, it made perfect sense when you thought about it. Good for her. She was better but she weighed less than 95 pounds now and sounded very weak. I could hardly hear her for another reason though, it sounded like a cat fight in the background and I finally asked her what all the noise was.

“Well, that’s my kids…”

For the entire time we were married we had been told she wouldn’t be able to conceive due to her various illnesses. In fact, very early on the doctors took her off birth control to try and alleviate the migraines and she never took it again. I had been resigned to this and had made my peace that I would never be a dad, in fact it had made life quite simple and pain free in the last years of the marriage so I considered it a blessing really. But this was still a severe gut punch.

She anticipated my first question, no they weren’t mine. How many? Two... How was this possible? She had gotten pregnant almost immediately after leaving and had the second one shortly after the first.

I was polite but I told her I just wasn’t prepared to continue the conversation, wished her well, silently hung up and started to cry…

"Human" Civil Twilight

There's one way out and no way in
Back to the beginning
There's one way back to home again
To where I feel forgiven

What is this I feel? Why is it so real?
What am I to say?

It's only love, it's only pain
It's only fear that runs through my veins
It's all the things you can't explain
That make us human

I am just an image of
Something so much greater
I am just a picture frame
I am not the painter

Where do I begin? Can I shed this skin?
What is this I feel within?

It's only love, it's only pain
It's only fear that runs through my veins
It's all the things you can't explain
That make us human, that make us human
That make us human

It's only love, it's only pain
It's only fear that runs through my veins
It's all the things you can't explain
That make us human, that make us human
That make us human, oh, that make us human

What does yoga mean to me? Chapter 16 - I Feel Like Hank Williams Tonight

There was absolutely no doubt in my mind now. I had always been in love with Angela, and at no time in our relationship had I ever been less than absolutely sure in her loyalty. The truth is I couldn't have survived in this or any relationship if I didn't have a blind faith and trust in my partner. Years of my life on the road in bunkhouses, years of her late night hours at work; any mistrust would have eaten me alive. And yet here I was now, absolutely sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that I had been blind to betrayal for years.The time she ran away to Prince George, the years of “working” until after midnight, the complete lack of emotional or physical intimacy…it was all so obvious now.

The fact that she had always left me in charge of the household was going to make proving this to myself pretty easy. I crawled out of bed and grabbed my phone. Since I was the one who had set up her voice mail, it was simple to call the mail box and check in. The first message was definitive; her mother had called her, “Angela, he’s calling again, I’m scared to answer, what should I say?”….

So really, what was left to prove? I kept digging though, I went online and logged in to the cell provider to check the data usage. We had never texted each other in the entire time we were together, it just wasn’t a thing at the time. But here were dozens of texts to the same number, a 306 area code.

Okay, so now I know…what’s next?

I had always imagined in a situation like this I would erupt in a murderous rage, hunt down everyone involved. Instead, I just felt shame. How did I let my life and my relationship get to this? And yet, the reason I was still in this house, the reason I let myself get so trapped was my fucking ego. At this time of my life, as low as I could possibly be, I still wouldn’t allow myself to admit defeat. This was a game, and I would not lose.

I dialed the number. A man answered after a few rings...
”Let me talk to my wife” Click
Redial. An answer, but silence this time...
”You fucking coward, put my wife on the phone” Click

Now my phone rang, it was Angela’s number. I answered but before I could say anything she was on the offence. “What the fuck are you doing bugging my friends at this hour??” “Angela, come home now…” “What are you talking about? I’m at my...” “GET YOUR FUCKING ASS HOME NOW” Click

So that was that…I went to the freezer, pulled out a bottle of vodka and got to work killing the voices chattering in my head. I didn’t expect her home for a day at least and I definitely didn’t want to start examining my role in any of this.

As expected, she called from Lloydminster around noon on Thursday. All of her arrogance was gone, replaced by a timidity I hadn’t anticipated. I realized she was absolutely terrified and I let myself feel pity for her. I agreed to meet her in a public place first, and we settled on the West Edmonton Mall when she was ready. It was obvious she wasn’t travelling alone but I couldn’t let myself think of that now.

I didn’t hear from her until close to midnight that night, she was at the mall and ready to come home. Now it was me that was terrified, how was I supposed to act? What the hell was happening to my life? I had always been certain about how I would react in a hypothetical situation, but what was I really prepared to accept in my life, and what was I prepared to discard?

I arrived at the empty mall and saw her sitting on the bench in front of her store; she looked tiny and childlike and my heart broke. I completely forgot to look for the other man and instead I grabbed her bags and silently walked to the car with her in tow. We drove in silence until we pulled into the driveway and I finally had the courage to say “Angela, I’m not angry, just heartbroken…”
She immediately burst into tears and we both sat there mourning all that had been lost. Sadly, this was the most we had shared together in years and the grieving brought us closer together. I helped her into the house and into bed,and surprisingly she asked me to stay with her. Even more surprising, I accepted and we talked through the night about the hurts we had inflicted and the mistakes we had made. In the end, we agreed that we wanted to stay together and we would do the hard work to get back on track…

My precious mother in law had orchestrated the events of the last month. The main reason she had invited Angela home was to reintroduce her to an old boyfriend from her past. Angela’s mom always been in Angela’s ear through the years, criticizing me at every turn and blaming me for whatever happened to be wrong at the moment. It was my fault we weren’t better off, it was my fault when things went wrong for her at work, it was my fault she was sick and not getting better…the constant sniping had finally taken its toll and she gave in. I didn’t ask or want to know about all the other times and went about putting it all behind us.

The first few days were a revelation! We both had a burst of adrenaline and we found ourselves acting like newlyweds again; she was sweet and affectionate, and there were no signs of illness, headaches or seizures. It really felt like maybe things had returned to normal after five years of misery and I let myself believe that I had made the right decision in not throwing it all away in anger.

It was Tuesday night and we lay in bed together making plans for Valentine’s Day the next day; where we would go for dinner, what we would do after, how we would make up for the last few years when the day would come and go without acknowledgement from either of us.

The next morning she got up with me, made me coffee and helped me get ready for work. We confirmed our plans for later in the day and she kissed me at the door as I headed out. I had a busy morning of appointments, but I needed to come home at lunch to pick up some paperwork I had forgotten so I phoned to let her know I was going to pop in. There was no answer, and my first panicked thought was she had had another seizure and she was laying hurt somewhere in the house. I raced home…

She was gone, and I didn’t need to read the note to know it was for good…

"I Feel Like Hank Williams Tonight" Jerry Jeff Walker

Well, I could live my whole life, without a phone call the likes of which I got today. It was only my wife, said hello then goodbye, and told me she's going away. Well I didn't cry, it was all cut and dried. I hung up before I realized. Turned up my stereo, walked to the window, stared at the storm clouds outside.

I play classical music when it rains, I play country when I am in pain. But I won't play Beethoven, the mood's just not right...

Oh, I feel like Hank Williams tonight.

There was no explanation, not even a reason, no talk of the good times we had. Was it me, was it her, I don't know for sure, and that's why I'm feelling so bad.

Hey, I play jazz when I am confused, I play country whenever I lose. Bird's saxophone, it just don't seem right...

No, I feel like Hank Williams tonight.

Lately I've been thinkin', I just might quit drinkin'. Now I don't know all-in-all. I just might stay home, get drunk all alone, and punch a few holes in the wall.

But when I'm real high I play rock'n'roll, I play country when I'm losing control. I don't play Chuck Berry quite as much as I'd like...

Oh I feel like Hank Williams tonight.