There was absolutely no doubt in my mind now. I had always been in love with Angela, and at no time in our relationship had I ever been less than absolutely sure in her loyalty. The truth is I couldn't have survived in this or any relationship if I didn't have a blind faith and trust in my partner. Years of my life on the road in bunkhouses, years of her late night hours at work; any mistrust would have eaten me alive. And yet here I was now, absolutely sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that I had been blind to betrayal for years.The time she ran away to Prince George, the years of “working” until after midnight, the complete lack of emotional or physical intimacy…it was all so obvious now.
The fact that she had always left me in charge of the household was going to make proving this to myself pretty easy. I crawled out of bed and grabbed my phone. Since I was the one who had set up her voice mail, it was simple to call the mail box and check in. The first message was definitive; her mother had called her, “Angela, he’s calling again, I’m scared to answer, what should I say?”….
So really, what was left to prove? I kept digging though, I went online and logged in to the cell provider to check the data usage. We had never texted each other in the entire time we were together, it just wasn’t a thing at the time. But here were dozens of texts to the same number, a 306 area code.
Okay, so now I know…what’s next?
I had always imagined in a situation like this I would erupt in a murderous rage, hunt down everyone involved. Instead, I just felt shame. How did I let my life and my relationship get to this? And yet, the reason I was still in this house, the reason I let myself get so trapped was my fucking ego. At this time of my life, as low as I could possibly be, I still wouldn’t allow myself to admit defeat. This was a game, and I would not lose.
I dialed the number. A man answered after a few rings...
”Let me talk to my wife” Click
Redial. An answer, but silence this time...
”You fucking coward, put my wife on the phone” Click
Now my phone rang, it was Angela’s number. I answered but before I could say anything she was on the offence. “What the fuck are you doing bugging my friends at this hour??” “Angela, come home now…” “What are you talking about? I’m at my...” “GET YOUR FUCKING ASS HOME NOW” Click
So that was that…I went to the freezer, pulled out a bottle of vodka and got to work killing the voices chattering in my head. I didn’t expect her home for a day at least and I definitely didn’t want to start examining my role in any of this.
As expected, she called from Lloydminster around noon on Thursday. All of her arrogance was gone, replaced by a timidity I hadn’t anticipated. I realized she was absolutely terrified and I let myself feel pity for her. I agreed to meet her in a public place first, and we settled on the West Edmonton Mall when she was ready. It was obvious she wasn’t travelling alone but I couldn’t let myself think of that now.
I didn’t hear from her until close to midnight that night, she was at the mall and ready to come home. Now it was me that was terrified, how was I supposed to act? What the hell was happening to my life? I had always been certain about how I would react in a hypothetical situation, but what was I really prepared to accept in my life, and what was I prepared to discard?
I arrived at the empty mall and saw her sitting on the bench in front of her store; she looked tiny and childlike and my heart broke. I completely forgot to look for the other man and instead I grabbed her bags and silently walked to the car with her in tow. We drove in silence until we pulled into the driveway and I finally had the courage to say “Angela, I’m not angry, just heartbroken…”
She immediately burst into tears and we both sat there mourning all that had been lost. Sadly, this was the most we had shared together in years and the grieving brought us closer together. I helped her into the house and into bed,and surprisingly she asked me to stay with her. Even more surprising, I accepted and we talked through the night about the hurts we had inflicted and the mistakes we had made. In the end, we agreed that we wanted to stay together and we would do the hard work to get back on track…
My precious mother in law had orchestrated the events of the last month. The main reason she had invited Angela home was to reintroduce her to an old boyfriend from her past. Angela’s mom always been in Angela’s ear through the years, criticizing me at every turn and blaming me for whatever happened to be wrong at the moment. It was my fault we weren’t better off, it was my fault when things went wrong for her at work, it was my fault she was sick and not getting better…the constant sniping had finally taken its toll and she gave in. I didn’t ask or want to know about all the other times and went about putting it all behind us.
The first few days were a revelation! We both had a burst of adrenaline and we found ourselves acting like newlyweds again; she was sweet and affectionate, and there were no signs of illness, headaches or seizures. It really felt like maybe things had returned to normal after five years of misery and I let myself believe that I had made the right decision in not throwing it all away in anger.
It was Tuesday night and we lay in bed together making plans for Valentine’s Day the next day; where we would go for dinner, what we would do after, how we would make up for the last few years when the day would come and go without acknowledgement from either of us.
The next morning she got up with me, made me coffee and helped me get ready for work. We confirmed our plans for later in the day and she kissed me at the door as I headed out. I had a busy morning of appointments, but I needed to come home at lunch to pick up some paperwork I had forgotten so I phoned to let her know I was going to pop in. There was no answer, and my first panicked thought was she had had another seizure and she was laying hurt somewhere in the house. I raced home…
She was gone, and I didn’t need to read the note to know it was for good…
The fact that she had always left me in charge of the household was going to make proving this to myself pretty easy. I crawled out of bed and grabbed my phone. Since I was the one who had set up her voice mail, it was simple to call the mail box and check in. The first message was definitive; her mother had called her, “Angela, he’s calling again, I’m scared to answer, what should I say?”….
So really, what was left to prove? I kept digging though, I went online and logged in to the cell provider to check the data usage. We had never texted each other in the entire time we were together, it just wasn’t a thing at the time. But here were dozens of texts to the same number, a 306 area code.
Okay, so now I know…what’s next?
I had always imagined in a situation like this I would erupt in a murderous rage, hunt down everyone involved. Instead, I just felt shame. How did I let my life and my relationship get to this? And yet, the reason I was still in this house, the reason I let myself get so trapped was my fucking ego. At this time of my life, as low as I could possibly be, I still wouldn’t allow myself to admit defeat. This was a game, and I would not lose.
I dialed the number. A man answered after a few rings...
”Let me talk to my wife” Click
Redial. An answer, but silence this time...
”You fucking coward, put my wife on the phone” Click
Now my phone rang, it was Angela’s number. I answered but before I could say anything she was on the offence. “What the fuck are you doing bugging my friends at this hour??” “Angela, come home now…” “What are you talking about? I’m at my...” “GET YOUR FUCKING ASS HOME NOW” Click
So that was that…I went to the freezer, pulled out a bottle of vodka and got to work killing the voices chattering in my head. I didn’t expect her home for a day at least and I definitely didn’t want to start examining my role in any of this.
As expected, she called from Lloydminster around noon on Thursday. All of her arrogance was gone, replaced by a timidity I hadn’t anticipated. I realized she was absolutely terrified and I let myself feel pity for her. I agreed to meet her in a public place first, and we settled on the West Edmonton Mall when she was ready. It was obvious she wasn’t travelling alone but I couldn’t let myself think of that now.
I didn’t hear from her until close to midnight that night, she was at the mall and ready to come home. Now it was me that was terrified, how was I supposed to act? What the hell was happening to my life? I had always been certain about how I would react in a hypothetical situation, but what was I really prepared to accept in my life, and what was I prepared to discard?
I arrived at the empty mall and saw her sitting on the bench in front of her store; she looked tiny and childlike and my heart broke. I completely forgot to look for the other man and instead I grabbed her bags and silently walked to the car with her in tow. We drove in silence until we pulled into the driveway and I finally had the courage to say “Angela, I’m not angry, just heartbroken…”
She immediately burst into tears and we both sat there mourning all that had been lost. Sadly, this was the most we had shared together in years and the grieving brought us closer together. I helped her into the house and into bed,and surprisingly she asked me to stay with her. Even more surprising, I accepted and we talked through the night about the hurts we had inflicted and the mistakes we had made. In the end, we agreed that we wanted to stay together and we would do the hard work to get back on track…
My precious mother in law had orchestrated the events of the last month. The main reason she had invited Angela home was to reintroduce her to an old boyfriend from her past. Angela’s mom always been in Angela’s ear through the years, criticizing me at every turn and blaming me for whatever happened to be wrong at the moment. It was my fault we weren’t better off, it was my fault when things went wrong for her at work, it was my fault she was sick and not getting better…the constant sniping had finally taken its toll and she gave in. I didn’t ask or want to know about all the other times and went about putting it all behind us.
The first few days were a revelation! We both had a burst of adrenaline and we found ourselves acting like newlyweds again; she was sweet and affectionate, and there were no signs of illness, headaches or seizures. It really felt like maybe things had returned to normal after five years of misery and I let myself believe that I had made the right decision in not throwing it all away in anger.
It was Tuesday night and we lay in bed together making plans for Valentine’s Day the next day; where we would go for dinner, what we would do after, how we would make up for the last few years when the day would come and go without acknowledgement from either of us.
The next morning she got up with me, made me coffee and helped me get ready for work. We confirmed our plans for later in the day and she kissed me at the door as I headed out. I had a busy morning of appointments, but I needed to come home at lunch to pick up some paperwork I had forgotten so I phoned to let her know I was going to pop in. There was no answer, and my first panicked thought was she had had another seizure and she was laying hurt somewhere in the house. I raced home…
She was gone, and I didn’t need to read the note to know it was for good…
"I Feel Like Hank Williams Tonight" Jerry Jeff Walker
Well, I could live my whole life, without a phone call the likes of which I got today. It was only my wife, said hello then goodbye, and told me she's going away. Well I didn't cry, it was all cut and dried. I hung up before I realized. Turned up my stereo, walked to the window, stared at the storm clouds outside.
I play classical music when it rains, I play country when I am in pain. But I won't play Beethoven, the mood's just not right...
Oh, I feel like Hank Williams tonight.
There was no explanation, not even a reason, no talk of the good times we had. Was it me, was it her, I don't know for sure, and that's why I'm feelling so bad.
Hey, I play jazz when I am confused, I play country whenever I lose. Bird's saxophone, it just don't seem right...
No, I feel like Hank Williams tonight.
Lately I've been thinkin', I just might quit drinkin'. Now I don't know all-in-all. I just might stay home, get drunk all alone, and punch a few holes in the wall.
But when I'm real high I play rock'n'roll, I play country when I'm losing control. I don't play Chuck Berry quite as much as I'd like...
Oh I feel like Hank Williams tonight.
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