What does yoga mean to me? Chapter 18 - Whose Authority?

The truth is, as I stood in my kitchen surveying the situation, all I felt was total and complete relief. The Band-Aid was ripped clean off and I could finally breathe again. I knew in my heart there would never have been a time where I would have ended things myself so this was the only way I would ever get on with living my life again.

I had a lot of scrambling to do to get my financial affairs back in order and I needed to fill the extra room in the house in order to continue staying there; but on the positive side, I could tear the fucking lock off the master bedroom door and sleep in my own bed again. I didn’t have the constant dread of finding Angela hurt or worse, and I didn’t have to tiptoe around the house waiting for an inevitable dressing down for some imagined transgression.

As luck would have it, my brother Kevin had been looking for a better living arrangement and we quickly agreed that he would move in and split the rent and utilities with me. I opened new bank accounts, reset my automatic deposits and debits and in just a few days I had most of my finances back on track. My life really wasn't compromised that much, I still had a great job and a good place to live.

Of course, mentally I was now completely untethered. I still couldn’t comprehend what exactly had occurred the last few months, or even years.

I would lay awake at night staring at the ceiling and listening to the chatter in my head until I couldn’t stand it anymore and in frustration I would turn on the TV to stare at it until the sun came up and I could start my day again. I lost a lot of weight in a very short time from the stress and I would stumble through my days in a sleepless stupor.

With no one expecting me at home, I was now spending six afternoons a week in the pub. I would waste my days counting the seconds until I could head towards Whyte Avenue again, and most of my meals were picked up at a drive thru window on the way home from happy hour.

More insidious though, I was now in the habit of picking up a litre of vodka everyday on the way home. I discovered if I drank until I blacked out I could silence the chatter and actually rest at night, and my OCD loved the ritual I created for myself.

I would come home, pop the bottle in the freezer while I ate my dinner, then I would fill a tumbler with six ounces of straight vodka and settle into my spot on the couch. Most days I could get to the fourth glass before I blacked out, usually sitting up and still in my clothes, where I would remain until the sun came up and woke me. I would place the half empty glass in the freezer, toss out the empty bottle and head for the shower to start my day.

"Whose Authority" Nada Surf  

I walk like you guide me, my eyes
Are shut like I'm blind
Turn to you and listening and tryin'
To be in your mind

There's a feeling that I get
When I look to the west
Having all the answers
Still failing the test

Wolf packs and convoys and
Captains and men
Surprised in translation
World without end

Welcome back to real life
The picture is gone
Put a contract out on things that go on and on

How do you stay where
You most want to be?
Where'd you get the patience
Did it come easily?

On whose authority
I have none over me
On whose authority
There's none that I can see
On whose authority
I have none over me
On whose authority
No one speaks to me
On whose authority
I have none over me ...

ahhhhhhh

All the tales with paper heroes
The ones who dyed the sun
And called it yellow
The ones who make you run

On whose authority
I have none over me
On whose authority
There's none that I can see
On whose authority
I have none over me
On whose authority
Nothing speaks to me
On whose authority
I have none over me ...
ahhhhhhh