So we were getting married!
By almost any metric we were still complete strangers, but we were also madly in love and thrilled with the concept. Very early on we decided to elope and I convinced her that Cabo san Lucas would be ideal. I had been there three times before in recent years and couldn’t imagine a better location for a destination wedding. Eloping was really our only option anyway; her mom immediately said she would not contribute to our plans and I knew it was impractical for my family to plan or pay for anything formal either. I hadn’t met her mom yet but it was quite clear that she was a piece of work. She lived in Manitoba and was the type of small town shrew who thrived on turmoil and loved nothing more than malicious gossip and the suffering of others. She loved to undermine Angela’s confidence at every turn and took every opportunity to criticise me from afar as well. I could never predict how much agony and heartbreak she would eventually cause me…
We started planning and looked forward to what should have been a memorable year, but there were tremendous red flags already.
Almost immediately, Angela abdicated anything to do with running the household. She claimed she was too busy and unorganised to have to deal with making financial decisions, paying bills, doing housework or booking appointments. I leapt at the opportunity to take the reins, my OCD and control issues blinding me to what I had just set myself up for.
We had major job stress to worry about. My seniority on the railroad meant that I was spending long periods living in bunkhouses on the road, and she had been recruited to be a manager for a large big box chain store. It was a good opportunity for her but it meant she would spend three months training in Vancouver. The time apart would put enormous stress on our already fragile relationship.
Can I interest you in cancer diagnoses’ for me and my mom? Angela was an absolute soldier through this, and she adored my family at the time. I could never have asked for a more supportive partner to go through my ordeal with, and she played a major role in my recovery and my dealing with my mom’s illness.
Most unexpected and troubling were her bouts with depression and rage. I haven’t discussed this journal with her so I won’t go into detail about her personal life before we met but she went through an absolutely horrific childhood, one that I cannot comprehend even today. That she grew up to be a gorgeous, smart, funny and successful woman is inconceivable and I give her all the credit in the world for what she accomplished. However, she never dealt with her demons in any meaningful way and she suffered greatly. The traits that allowed her to persevere and succeed were also the traits that allowed her to ignore and disregard the many ways the demons manifested in her. Add to this a myriad of serious health issues of her own and it was a wonder we had any good days at all. I was naïve and completely unequipped to even try to understand what was going on at the time, and I would be blindsided by each new episode. We would joke that it was “just PMS” once it passed, but it was far nastier and left gaping wounds that took days to recover from.
As just one example, I came home one morning from a three day trip for work to find a love note on the bed for me. In it were two tickets to a hockey game that night and in it she urged to me to invite a friend and have a nice evening out after being away for so long. I was overjoyed! This was typical of how sweet she could be on her good days, but I was still unable to understand that manic depression always has an equal and ugly downside.
I woke up that afternoon to the phone ringing; it was Angela calling from work and I answered, expecting to be greeted by the girl who had left me the note. What I heard was an angry hissing voice, a furious whisper telling me that if I dared go to that fucking hockey game, everything I owned would be burning on the lawn when I got home. I was tired from a long night at work and still groggy; I couldn’t possibly be hearing this right? I tried to reply but she had slammed the phone down already. Confused and upset, I quickly dressed and rushed to her work to try and find out what could possibly be wrong, As I entered the store I was confronted by her and the GM, she had told him I was coming to harm her and he quickly ushered me out of the store and ordered me to stay away for my own good. Ok fuck this bullshit! I didn’t know what was going on but I was going to stay home and wait for her to find out. Predictably once she came home she was completely sweet and angelic again; “Why didn’t you go to the hockey game? Didn’t your friends want to go?”
I just broke down sobbing in frustration…
I was drinking just as much as I had in Vancouver, and I had convinced her that because of the stress of my job and the cancer I needed it to take the edge off. Never mind that my cancer medication explicitly forbade it. She would plead with me to stop at one drink but I would wait for her to go to bed and drink to blackout with the expected consequences. On the occasions where she was having a dark day I would bottle up my anger and resentment; there were instances where this would erupt when my defences were down due to the vodka. I’m not proud of some of the fights we had, they were hideous and unjustified; things were never violent thank god, but horrible things would be said and they left marks…
Through all of this we still had the trip to plan for and we put out a tepid invite for any of our friends to join us, but in the end my brother and her maid of honour were the two that would be there on our big day. After a frustrating and stressful year, we looked forward to a wedding and a new beginning. Things couldn’t possibly get worse, right?
"Sick Cycle Carousel" Lifehouse
If shame had a face I think it would kind of look like mine If it had a home would it be my eyes Would you believe me if I said I'm tired of this Well here we go now one more time
I tried to climb your steps I tried to chase you down I tried to see how low I could get down to the ground I tried to earn my way I tried to tame this mind You better believe that I tried to beat this
So when will this end it goes on and on Over and over and over again Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop Till I step down from this for good
I never thought I'd end up here Never thought I'd be standing where I am I guess I kinda thought it would be easier than this I guess I was wrong now one more time
I tried to climb your steps I tried to chase you down I tried to see how long I could get it down to the ground I tried to earn my way I tried to tame this mind You better believe that I tried to beat this
Sick cycle carousel This is a sick sycle, yeah Sick cycle carousel This is a sick cycle, yeah
Sick cycle carousel Sick cycle carousel Sick cycle carousel...
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