So
here’s the thing about surviving cancer, it’s the outcome you desperately
want…but is it the outcome you deserve?
No
one wishes to die from cancer but surviving brings a whole host of unintended
consequences. When I first heard the fatal prognosis from my doctor, there was
nothing I wanted more than to prove him wrong and survive.
Once
I started treatments it all got tricky though. I was so fortunate not to have
to undergo radiation treatment; but walking into the Oncology unit each time,
as I sat in the waiting room and walked through the halls full of someone’s
kid, someone’s mother, other patients who weren’t as lucky, who maybe weren’t
going to survive...
The
guilt started to grow. Were they not fighting hard enough, praying hard enough,
didn’t they want to live just as badly as me? What does it even fucking mean to
say you fought cancer bravely? Who is ever mentally prepared to deal with this
shit? Why should I feel so ashamed about this? How am I the lucky one? How do I
leave the unit with a smile after each round of good news, accept the good
wishes of the staff, how dare I celebrate?
I was
diagnosed in the spring of 1997 in Prince George, but I still had hard work to
do; I still had to break the news to my family. My new wife and I made the long
tense drive to Edmonton to sit down with my mom, my brother, my family and
break the news. I’m sure I was brave, dismissed everyone’s fear, and embraced
their positivity. We spent the weekend together and when I left I was full of
confidence that I had everything I needed to get through this summer…
Sucker
punch…
Mom
was diagnosed only 30 days later. Colon cancer…and the odd thing is she was
given a prognosis of a favorable outcome. She was certain she would survive,
and all of her early scans and x-rays showed good news. At one point she came
home from a checkup with the greatest news! Her latest scan was completely
clear!! I will never forget sitting at my desk crying with her over the phone
together, celebrating a miracle.
From
that day on, nothing would be the same again. The next scan showed spots all
over her organs, her treatments weren’t working anymore. She called less
frequently, sounded weak when she did call, but her words were always positive.
The doctor says there is nothing to worry about, I’m just tired from the chemo,
I’m fine! And I believed because I had to, for my sanity.
She
died in September, lasted barely a year. I was home in Prince George when I got
the call that this would be her last day and I needed to be there. I argued
with my uncle, how could this be, I spoke with her last week, she told me she
was well enough to come home?? He was the one who finally let me in on the
dirty secret…she had sheltered me, she was home for hospice, she always knew
she was going to succumb...I left for Edmonton immediately but I never
made it in time.
PTSD
is a real motherfucker…
For a
long time I could fool myself and ignore it, therapy was recommended but I
fooled them too. “Shawn has sufficient ego and self-esteem to cope”.
"Take Your Medicine" Cloud Cult
Got myself a new look, something gave me another chance to see. Each time, each time I will try to do better. Right now, right now is where I guess I belong.
Pulled
my fist from my mouth. I beat myself for a quarter century. Remind, remind that
it's bigger than me. Dissolve, dissolve into evergreens.
These
are things that I keep hidden in belly. I can't see them but they control my
life. For a moment you could see right through me, See right through me. Help
me make this right. Look at all those skeletons running from their closets, get
them in the light!
These
are things that I keep hidden in belly. I can't see them but they control my
life. For a moment you could see right through me, See right through me. Help
me make this right. Look at all those skeletons running from their closets, get
them in the light!
You
can take it in stride, or you can take it right between the eyes. Suck up, suck
up and take your medicine. It's a good day, it's a good day to face the hard
things.
Pulled
my fist from my mouth. I beat myself for a quarter century. Remind, remind that
it's bigger than me. Dissolve, dissolve into evergreens.
We
found beautiful babies sleeping in our ribs. Get them in the light. Get them in
the light.
You
can take it in stride, or you can take it right between the eyes. Suck up, suck
up and take your medicine.
We
found beautiful babies sleeping in our ribs. Get them in the light. Get them in
the light.
You
can take it in stride, or you can take it right between the eyes. Suck up, suck
up and take your medicine.
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