It's been
quite a year on all fronts for me and the more people I talk to the more
stories I hear of people having a like-minded experience of challenges and
changes being an active theme. I truly do wonder what will happen has 2015
draws to a close and 2016 begins to unfold. How about you, any predictions for
what the New Year might hold for you?
December
2015
My friend
and mentor Michellene Kandert recently posted the above challenge on Facebook,
and it forced me to really examine my experiences this year.
When I
reached rock bottom and made the hard choices and changes five years ago, there
was a daunting workload both mentally and physically to try and pull it together
to begin the climb back up. Despite the challenges it was a relatively straight
line from day one in March 2011 to December 2015. The commitment to be sober,
to eat better and get fit again, to be more mindful, and finally to move home
to Edmonton to be closer to family and loved ones; it was all relatively smooth
once the decision to change was made.
So when I
look back to Christmas 2014 and take stock, I was working a less than fulfilling job
and was ready to move on, I was in a downtown apartment that I loved but really
couldn’t justify for how much time I actually spent in it, I had my new rescue
kitten to keep me company, I had a daily yoga practice and I was looking
forward to spending the holidays in Las Vegas with my family. And a massive
gorilla in the room, one that I still wasn’t prepared to face.
All of my
hard work had been aimed at changing me physically and mentally, but I hadn’t
turned inward to face my emotional wreckage yet. As always, it was Michellene
who recognized and challenged me to acknowledge that I had become complacent.
For all
the positive gains I had made, I was still protecting and shielding myself from
the people around me. The decision to become sober meant that I had to live
with the shame and guilt I felt daily rather than medicate it, and to cope I
put up a wall to keep the pain inside and hide it away from anyone who got too
close.
It was at
the yoga studio early in the New Year when Michellene finally grabbed me by the
shoulders and literally shook me, announcing that it was time to cut the
bullshit and wake up. Of course I felt as if things were fine, but she wasn’t
going to let me off the hook. It was obvious to everyone but me that I was
going through the motions, emotionless and cold. It had been years since I had
felt a spontaneous grin, and there was a tacit gulf between me and the people
around me.
The first
challenge was almost more than I could bear. I was ordered to give a long hug
to everyone I encountered at the studio, and she insisted on telling everyone
about the challenge so I couldn’t hide. It was painful but ultimately
rewarding; yet it didn’t result in any real change.
The
breakthrough came in May in Tulum at the spring retreat. Michellene had
structured the retreat to mimic yoga teacher training, including meditation,
Reiki and a daily journaling session. After three days the topics finally
rocked me from my axis and forced me to accept my reality.
Does my
life feel balanced, can I improve?
What could
I shift to invite a deeper appreciation of my blessings?
What does
community mean to me?
Are there
old hurts, guilt or shame to let go?
Why have I
held on to it?
What part
of me needs something from it?
What
truths am I afraid to speak?
What
emotions do I have difficulty speaking?
What is
suffering to me?
What is
self-love to me?
What is
the message of my heart?
What is my
life’s mission?
It was
like a mask was pulled from my face…
I
struggled to get through the day; I kept returning to my journal, inspired to
write for the first time in my life. As the evening grew late, Michellene and I
stayed up and she patiently listened as I finally found the words to express
the fear I felt in letting my guard down; the fear that people would be
horrified by the truth, that I would be revealed to be a fraud and inauthentic
as a yogi. She countered by asking if I thought she was inauthentic, if I held
anything about her past against her now in her new life, and of course the
answer was an unequivocal no..
I know of
no one more authentic than her.
So it was
time to toss my life in a blender. On the last day of the retreat I got up in
front of everyone and spoke about my new-found mission, how I would share my
story and use it to be a strong teacher and guide…
And I
suddenly found my smile!
I also
found a purpose. Almost immediately I started to blog about the experience; how
my past would feed my new passion to become a teacher. It also allowed me to
really be honest with myself and realistically prioritize. I gave up the
apartment and downsized to save money for yoga teacher training and retreats. I
changed jobs not once but twice this year to align myself with my new
priorities, and spent the better part of the year finding what works for me
now. I titled the blog “What yoga means to me” to reflect the inspiration for
the changes and the purpose of writing it.
Now what?
I
anticipate 2016 will be complete turmoil as I continue to leave my comfort zone
and get further down the path. I have no ties to keep me from trying new things
or accepting what comes to me, and I just have to live by two core principles;
always be
optimistic, and don’t wait to act.
Answer to Yourself – The Soft Pack
You gotta
answer to yourself
You can't
depend on anyone else
You gotta
know where you stand, know what's in your hand
Yeah, you
gotta answer to yourself
You gotta
write down what you know
You gotta
make sure that it's known
Because
they're comin' along to see what you've done And they're gonna claim it for
their own
You got a
rabbit in your hat
You got a
few tricks up your sleeve
Don't get
stuck in a rut or stuck in the same
Yeah, you
got exactly what you need
You got a
talent, don't you know?
You're
more talented than you know
And you
give it a shot and give it the time
You'd be
surprised how far it goes
But I
think I'm gonna die before I see my time
Think I'm
gonna die, try it anyway
You gotta
answer to yourself
Two days a
week outside yourself
You take
an hour a day, an hour a day And you don't respond to anyone else
You got a
few things on your shelf
You got to
look through for yourself
You gotta
choose what to read, choose what to believe
And you
don't take it from anyone else
But I
think I'm gonna die before I see my time
Think I'm
gonna die, try it anyway
Yeah, I
think I'm gonna die before I see my time
Yeah, I
think I'm gonna die before I see my time
Think I'm
gonna die, try it anyway
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