I
have been expecting the call since the day she left, but it still hit like a
kidney shot to hear the news today. The woman who stole my heart twenty years
ago this fall had passed away early this morning after being taken off life
support last weekend.
Angela
was unspeakably cruel to me in the final years of our marriage and I had long
ago written her off as “dead” to me, but it still hurt like hell to learn her final
fate.
She
suffered a horrific childhood filled with unspeakable abuse and had been
discarded by her mom early in her teenage years. In spite of all that, she had
worked tremendously hard to overcome her past but she was always shadowed by unrelentingly
vicious demons; demons who could always convince her she was unworthy of anything
good in life and inevitably cause her sabotage it all. Careers, friendships and
her marriage were all torn down and discarded, but a piece of her was always
lost in the wreckage too.
Her
last years were tragic, the beauty and potential lost in pipes, dirty needles
and finally the liver disease she succumbed to.
The
girl I married was a bright shining star and that is who I choose to remember today...
Dead Flowers – The Rolling Stones
Well
when you're sitting there in your silk upholstered chair
Talkin'
to some rich folk that you know
Well
I hope you won't see me in my ragged company
Well,
you know I could never be alone
Take
me down little Susie, take me down
I
know you think you're the queen of the underground
And
you can send me dead flowers every morning
Send
me dead flowers by the mail
Send
me dead flowers to my wedding
And
I won't forget to put roses on your grave
Well
when you're sitting back in your rose pink Cadillac
Making
bets on Kentucky Derby Day
Ah,
I'll be in my basement room with a needle and a spoon
And
another girl to take my pain away
Take
me down little Susie, take me down
I
know you think you're the queen of the underground
And
you can send me dead flowers every morning
Send
me dead flowers by the mail
Send
me dead flowers to my wedding
And
I won't forget to put roses on your grave
Take
me down little Susie, take me down
I
know you think you're the queen of the underground
In the backseat of my
heart
My love tells me I'm a mess
I couldn't get the car to start
I left my keys somewhere in the mess
It comes and goes in plateaus
One month later I'm a fucking pro
My parents would be proud
Or fall asleep on the floor
Forget what happened in the morning
There are notes in your handwriting
But you can't make it out
We are not a proud race
It's not a race at all
We're just trying
I'm only trying to get home
Drunk drivers, drunk drivers
This is not a good thing
I don't mean to rationalize
Or try and explain it away
It's not OK
Drunk drivers, drunk drivers
It's too late to articulate it
That empty feeling
You share the same fate as the people you hate
You build yourself up against others' feelings
And it left you feeling empty as a car coasting downhill
I have become such a negative person
It was all just an act
It was all so easily stripped away
But if we learn how to live like this
Maybe we can learn how to start again
Like a child who's never done wrong
Who hasn't taken that first step
We are not a proud race
It's not a race at all
We're just trying
I'm only trying to get home
Drunk drivers, drunk drivers
Put it out of your mind
And perish the thought
There's no comfort in responsibility
Drunk drivers, drunk drivers
It doesn't have to be like this
It doesn't have to be like this
It doesn't have to be like this
Killer whales, killer whales
It doesn't have to be like this
It doesn't have to be like this
It doesn't have to be like this
Here's that voice in your head
Giving you shit again
But you know he loves you
And he doesn't mean to cause you pain
Please listen to him
It's not too late
Turn off the engine
Get out of the car
And start to walk
How
could I have been surprised? Sitting in this office and watching my contract
get torn up in pieces was absolutely inevitable.
This
behaviour was something I had witnessed for years, the way the brothers had
routinely dealt with employees, suppliers and clients alike; bald faced lying,
broken promises and broken contracts, constant threats of legal action to keep
people from suing them first, credit accounts always past due and cut off, even
rumours of dealings with biker gangs and other potentially worse criminal
activity.
Sitting
in this chair now there was shock to be sure, in the past I had always felt
immune to it all. I hadn’t been unscathed by any means but I had always kept my
head down and stayed out of the way so for the most part I avoided their chaos.
However,
I was more than aware of the valued colleagues abused, stolen from and lied to;
the beloved clients who had walked away after one lie too many from the faces
of the company.
This
time it was my turn, I had been set up and I had been too naïve and arrogant to
see it coming.
So
here I was, I had painted myself into a corner. The middle brother was still
ranting but I was too stunned to listen closely. I was reeling and started to
panic as I realized my stark options - slink home in shame, swallow my pride
and admit defeat, but resume an admittedly comfortable if problematic life?
Stay
and endure complete humiliation working for a madman?
Or was
there a third option, a Hail Mary?
I
quickly headed home to pack a bag and left for Edmonton that morning. Bob had
coached and tutored me all year, it was his vision of my future I had bought
into; how could he not be my advocate now and step in on my behalf?
The nine-hour
drive back was torture, and I was at the Edmonton office at 6am so I could be
the first thing Bob dealt with.
He
pulled into the parking lot at 8am sharp and as soon as I saw his face I knew I
was completely and totally fucked…it was clear the brothers had been on the
phone getting their story straight and now it was his turn to twist the knife.
-I was Kelowna’s problem now, I didn’t work for Bob
anymore so there was nothing he could do even if he wanted to, what was I even
doing in Edmonton without permission, I hadn’t cleared the trip with the
Kelowna office and they were now considering firing me, did I realize how much
trouble I was in… -
In
hindsight, I could have walked into a dozen offices in Edmonton and been hired
that afternoon. Realistically though there was no way I was mentally prepared
to face my friends and family and admit that everything I had worked for and
planned for that summer was a lie.
I got
back in the car and started the long drive back and this time the drive was far
worse. There was no mistaking what my next meeting was going to be like; I was
either going to be fired or accept a job working for one of the worst people I
had ever known.
There
were no surprises this time. I was written up for insubordination, the original
contract offer was officially rescinded due to the written warning now on my
file (WTF?) and my new job would be selling for him in the Kelowna and South
Okanagan. There would be no salary, I would work for commission only and I
would receive no leads from the office, I was expected to door knock everyday
to find my sales. I knew how hard my job had just become but I accepted anyway.
"Liar"
Built to Spill
I wouldn't be a liar
No, I wouldn't be a liar
If I told you that
I wouldn't be a liar
When things are all you think of
And plans are all you make
And thoughts are all you dream of
Your falls are all you take
Look out, the world's destroying you
Relax, it isn't fair
Mother nature's disposition
She don't mind, she don't care
She don't mind, she don't care
I wouldn't be a liar
No, I wouldn't be a liar
If I told you that
I wouldn't be a liar
Passing over, passions pour
Passing everything I wouldn't be a liar No, I wouldn't be a liar If I told you that
It takes up all of your life
These decisions you make
It takes up all of a day
Making them all
Well, outside on the patio
The piano's weeping too
Forget about it all for a little while
She don't mind, she don't care
She don't mind, she don't care
She don't mind, she don't care
And I wouldn't be a liar
No, I wouldn't be a liar
If I told you that
I wouldn't be a liar
You see, it seems minor to me
You see, it seems minor to me
You see, it seems minor to me
You see, it seems minor
The
move to Kelowna was strictly ego driven and I spent no time considering the
pros and cons intelligently. I had been dealt so many body blows the last five years
that I just needed something positive to cling to, a chance to look forward to
a new adventure that could potentially turn my luck around.
Since
the day I left Cranbrook in 1993 I had developed a subtle habit of packing up
and moving every three to five years and this would fit the pattern nicely, a
chance to wipe the slate clean and start fresh in a place where almost no one
would know me. I spent the summer crowing to anyone who would listen that I was
moving back to paradise and I enjoyed the brief notoriety it afforded me.
None
of this masked that it was a terrible decision and deep inside I knew it. The problems
I was trying to escape were certainly going to follow me and the move was going
to permanently sever my last ties to any kind of accountability or moral support.
Even
with close friends and family to lean on I was now consistently drinking a six-pack
of Guinness chased with Scotch and a full litre of vodka every single day and
had completely blown through my savings and investments in an attempt to hide
the damage it was doing to my finances. I drove drunk or hung over literally every
day and I was in daily physical agony from the combination of the car accident
and the unhealthy diet. I had no clue how I would cope alone and yet here I was,
on the brink of almost certain self destruction with no way to back down and
save face. My ego was too exposed to allow me to make the brave decision and
stop the process.
More
unfortunate, if I had been brave I could have saved my brother Kevin a lot of
pain too. My decision had the unintended consequence of throwing his life into
turmoil and I was too wrapped up in my plans to see how much I had hurt him. I was
leaving him in the lurch with no place to live and very little time to make
suitable arrangements. Since the day Angela had left he had been the one to
keep an eye on me when I was passed out late at night, he would always make
sure the rent cheque was covered when I was spending my share in the pub and he
was the last remaining person who had the courage to call me on my shit when it
got to be too much. Now I was discarding him in my haste to try and outrun my
pain.
Originally
I was expected to move in March, and it was now August with no arrangements
committed to yet. It should have been obvious they were stalling to buy more
time to be able to afford my new contract and the delay should have been the
trigger that allowed me to back out but I was fully committed now.
I
pushed the owners hard to pick a date to start and we finally agreed I would be
in Kelowna to fill my new position at the beginning of October. I cleaned out
my house, put everything in storage and said my goodbyes. I gave up my hockey
and football season tickets and prepared for what I thought would be a permanent
move back to BC.
I
should have seen this all coming, in hindsight I feel like I walked into the buzz
saw deliberately in an effort to punish myself. At any rate, I had made the
mistake of building a relationship with the senior brother but had no
connection with the other two. I had seen all along how they battled and
cheated each other and their many colleagues in the industry. None of what
happened should ever have surprised me. And yet…
I
showed up for my first day in Kelowna and was immediately called into middle
brother’s office.
“You
know I run the BC region correct?”
“Of
course!” I replied.
He
picked up my contract from a pile of papers on his desk and started to tear it
into tiny pieces.
“You
don’t work for Edmonton anymore, you work for me and I won’t be honouring any
off this bullshit. You can stay and sell for me or you can go home. Either way,
I don’t give a shit….”
“Betray” Minor Threat
Maybe it was no one's fault
I know it wasn't mine
But now that you've moved along
I guess I'm next in line
I thought we had the same ideas
But you, you proved me wrong
I've been played the fool before
But never for quite so long
Betray, betray, betray, betray
Betray, betray, betray, betray
So what now?
Do we shake hands and go on our separate ways;
Or do I open my mind and follow you into the haze?
No, I'll see you tomorrow
Same channel, same time, same place
I'm not going anywhere 'cause I quit your fucking race
April
2008 was a blur of physio, acupuncture and chiropractic appointments. My health
benefits came nowhere near to covering my expenses so I went straight to work
the week after the accident; between the physical agony and the daily hangovers
my work activity level plummeted. I was still successfully selling but I was
doing the absolute bare minimum to keep my income acceptable and when the
senior brother called me into his office one afternoon I was expecting the
worst.
I
couldn’t have been more wrong though. He had noticed the changes in me since the end of my marriage and the accident and had a proposition for me. He
suggested that a fresh start and a change of scenery was the best solution for
my run of bad luck and that a newly created position in the Okanagan was mine
if I wanted it. Even better, he offered to take me under his wing on a
mentorship with an eye to becoming a partner in the company.
I was
overjoyed!! I had spent most of my life in BC and even though I had family and
good friends in Edmonton, I was tired of the rut I had dug for myself and I accepted
both of the offers immediately.
The coaching
began right away, and in a series of meetings we negotiated the new position, compensation
and benefits. I was to move out to Penticton to open a new office and develop
the south Okanagan territory. I would be a Regional Manager answering to the
head office in Edmonton, and I would be required to hire the staff and run the new
office. Eventually I would become a full partner in the company with the
potential to take over complete ownership once the brothers retired.
Almost
from the start there were red flags that should have caused me to back away.
First, a colleague let slip that she had been made the same offers months
before and had turned them down. Second, there was nothing but confusion regarding
when the move would actually take place. I pushed to go right away, but there
were a series of lame excuses and avoidance as spring turned into summer until
finally he relented and set the first week of October as the date I would head
out to Kelowna to start my new adventure. My brother found a new place to live;
I negotiated to break the lease in my rental home, packed my belongings into
storage and made all the final preparations to head west.
I hadn’t
reached rock bottom yet but I was now moving into position to see it if I looked
hard enough…
"Florida" Modest
Mouse
Although
we often wondered, it was no thing of wonder
The
shit that flew from our minds
Well,
grass stains and fresh fruit remind our shoes of horse glue
On
this ridiculous climb
With
great tunnel vision, we built ourselves a mission
To
ride out motives inside
Oh,
with vague description of what we have been missing
So why
would anyone try
It was
always worth it
That's
the part I seem to hide
And
the busy ant empire
Put
all your clothes inside
I
wasn't always cargo, I was kind of my own
I
guess I'll pack up my mind
I it
took so much effort not to make an effort
Oh,
what a flawless design
It was
always worth it
That's
the part I seem to hide
And
the busy ant empire
Put
all your clothes inside, even as I left Florida
It was
always worth it
That's
the part I seem to hide
And
the busy ant empire
Has
always were to hide
It was
always worth it
That's
the part I seem to hide, even as I left Florida
Far
enough, far enough, wasn't far enough
Couldn't
quite seem to escape myself
Far
enough, far enough, far from Florida
We
were all drowsing in cruise control
Far
enough, far enough, wasn't far enough
I
stood on my heart supports thinkin'
Oh, my
God
I'll
probably have to carry this whole load
I
couldn't remember if I tried
I
couldn't remember if I took my brain out
Threw
it so directly at the goal
I
couldn't remember if I, I could have my mind erased
And
still not know exactly what I don't already know, even as I left Florida
Once
the house had been packed and moved at the end of July 2002, I had serious
decisions to make. Angela had already been in Edmonton for months and now my
house and home were there too.
My
railroad job was BC based and I had nine years of seniority built up as an
engineer.
My
options were to stay on the seniority list and try to find postings that
provided bunkhouse accommodations, try to find a railroad job in Alberta, or
quit railroading altogether and start a new career.
My heart
told me it was time for the third option as I had been unhappy with the working
conditions and the labour relations for years, but I still went in to the CP Rail
depot to drop off my resume when I was home for a few days in August.
The
rest of the summer saw me travel back and forth between Edmonton and Northern
BC as I would get some shifts in and then come home for a few days. The driving
was already unbearable and it wasn’t even winter yet so I knew this was
unsustainable.
At the
end of August while I was home, my neighbour came over to introduce himself. It
was a friendly enough visit but he also had a motive, he owned a security alarm
company and he was here to try and sell me a system. We had a nice
conversation, I agreed to think about the quote he presented but then he
surprised me with a seemingly offhand comment.
“When
you get sick of all the driving, come and see me about a job…”
I
chuckled, thanked him and showed him out, but I couldn’t possibly take the
offer seriously! I knew absolutely nothing about the security industry and the
pay cut would be drastic. When Angela got home we both had a good laugh and I forgot
about it immediately.
Not a
week later I was on my way to Prince George to start a week as a yard engineer,
and as I drove through Jasper it began to snow…in August.
The
rest of the drive was miserable, and once I got to PG things got worse. I had
been bumped from my expected job and now I was told to be in Quesnel the next
day. I jumped in the car to carry on, but before I arrived there I was told I
had been bumped again and now was on the board in Williams Lake. Furious, I
asked them to book me off duty with an illness and turned around to head back
to Edmonton. The entire trip had been dangerous, tiring and ultimately
pointless. I was heading home having made no money and it would be at least a
week before I would return to work again.
As I
drove home I started to reconsider my neighbours offer and tried to imagine a
way I could make a new job work financially. By the time I got home to Edmonton
I had made up my mind that I would take a leave of absence from the railroad
and give something new a try. If the pay was low enough I could actually top it
up with Employment Insurance payments and our finances would be manageable. I
gave him a call when I got home on Saturday and was startled to learn I would
start my new job on Monday.
There
were several things about working for a family owned company that were new and
very different than I was accustomed to. On the positive side, I no longer had
to work in a contentious labor union v management environment. Everyone was
treated like family and there were real efforts to have everyone feel like they
were a part of something. If you had an idea that you thought would work there
was an open door to discuss it and the company was nimble and agile at the
start.
On the
negative side, it was run like a family business, in that the family had short
fuses and had no problem airing out the dirty laundry in front of everyone.
There were three brothers in charge and a nephew on the staff as well and they
all had open running conflicts with one another. It was not uncommon to see an
actual fist fight break out in the middle of the office.
Second,
the three brothers all wanted to live like millionaires and pay themselves
accordingly, often at the expense of minor things like paying suppliers or
employees. There were a couple times that payroll was late, and we often had to
delay installations until cash could be raised to get product released.
Personally,
I found it to be the perfect environment to start a new career. In many ways it
was like the Wild West but there was a real encouragement to learn and grow,
and the company was big enough that product reps took us seriously and spent
time with me to help with the learning curve.
At the
start, I was a simple labourer. I would ride in the van with an experienced
tech and shadow them on the job site. I would assist where I could and do the
tasks that made their life simple, and they were always great about answering
my questions and allowing me to try new techniques. I found myself enjoying it
so much that in December when I got a call from CP Rail saying they were
interested in hiring me, I wasted no time declining the offer, and I also sent
in my final resignation papers with BC Rail. The conversion was complete.
In the
spring of 2003, I was called into the senior brother’s office for a meeting,
where the unexpected offer was made to move me into sales. I had always
imagined myself in sales in an alternate life and I was thrilled to accept on
the spot. I decided I would sink or swim
and chose to be paid in full commission; my reasoning was I would very quickly
find out if I was cut out for the sales life. I had a massively steep learning
curve but I found I had a natural ability as well, and by the end of the summer
I was back to making as much as I had on the railroad!
There
was an unexpected bonus in choosing to be paid full commission. I had complete
freedom to make my own hours and come and go as I pleased, as long as I made my
targets. Month over month I was beating even my own lofty goals and I soon grew
to love the lifestyle and free time the new career afforded me. By 2007, even
with Angela gone along with her share of the household income, I was earning
enough on my own to compensate.
Despite
everything else in my life going to hell, career wise my life was as good as it
had ever been. I was content, I had freedom and I had a great income.
Of
course the universe was going to pull that rug out from under me as well.
It's Not the Fall That Hurts - Caesars
All my
life I've been fall- fall- falling apart,
Been
tumbling down quick first right from the start
I tried to
slide out of my seat...shit, the seatbelt...I reached to try and unbuckle and
instantly felt a jolt in my damaged thumb.
What the hell
is going on?
The four
doors of my jeep had sprung open on impact and I was freezing cold.
I took a deep
breath and tried to orient myself. Ok, right, I was in an accident…broken
bones? I can’t tell…OK start at the top.
My head was
killing me, my face hurt like hell. Airbag...No real damage though.
My front
teeth were veneers, they were shattered…OK I can deal with that.
My shoulder
was pinched by the seat belt harness and my rotator cuff was torn.
Both thumbs
sprained from gripping the steering wheel.
Both knees
sprained from whiplash on the sudden stop.
But I’m
alright!! I am alive! I tried again to unbuckle but now the EMT’s were there,
talking to me like I was a child…I’m fine I’m fine I just want to go home…They
strapped me to a back board and loaded me into the ambulance. The x-rays showed
no other damage, and my brother was called to come take me home.
I woke up on
Friday to a brilliant sunny day, damaged but not broken. It should have been a wakeup
call, another one to join the thousands before. Instead I just felt euphoria,
and I went about the day walking on air, completely oblivious to the months of sheer
agony and physio that waited for me just a short day away.
I’ve always been a strong driver and have logged hundreds of thousands of kilometers in my life due to the transient nature of my railroad career. The years I lived in northern BC I averaged 75,000 kms per year travelling from bunkhouse to bunkhouse chasing my seniority number.
For two straight years I drove from PG to Mackenzie and back every day to work a yard engine job switching the mills. This was in the years before satellite radio and I soon exhausted the CD collection, so I got a city library card and listened to every book on tape I could find; eventually the drive became so routine that I began to read actual books while I drove to stem the boredom. More times than I can recall, I would head out on the drive north in the dead of winter only to come across a police roadblock for a closed highway. I would show them my engineer’s license and they would wish me good luck and wave me through.
In all my years in BC I never had an accident and eventually reached the highest levels of ICBC’s rate discounts and driver rating. I took great pride in my ability and always took care to drive a good vehicle in excellent repair.
My heavy drinking began to take its toll on me in ways I could recognize but in many ways I couldn’t as well. I would wake up each morning in denial, telling myself that because I wasn’t vomiting or suffering from a headache that I must not be hungover; but the truth is I was a zombie at best, and still likely drunk at worst.
My new sales job in Edmonton required me to drive all day to all parts of the city, and the heavy traffic and numerous construction zones required more of me than I was able to offer in this shape. It was absolutely inevitable that my luck was going to change, but I was unprepared for just how much.
My first accident occurred in October 2006 and was innocent enough, I was stopped behind a vehicle trying to exit in front of me when a pickup with an overload couldn’t stop in time and smashed into me from behind. My vehicle was destroyed and I was relatively seriously injured, but there were no broken bones and I thought if this was the worst that could happen I would be alright.
One week later I was driving Angela’s car while we waited for a replacement for mine, and in wet and slippery conditions I slid through a stop sign and collided with another car trying to turn left across my lane. I wasn’t hurt in this accident as far as I could tell and we joked about things happening in threes.
Two weeks later I was driving our new rental car on the west end of the Anthony Henday when a deer bolted out from the trees and slammed into the side of my car, tearing off the side mirror. Again I wasn’t seriously injured and since my bad streak should have come to an end now, I breathed a sigh of relief and moved on.
March 20, 2008 was typical of most work days for me now. I booked all of my appointments between 10am and 3pm, with an eye to heading to the pub as soon as possible after. The day changed though when my afternoon appointment ran long and a late call came in for an ASAP meeting shortly after that kept me from the pub after all.
The Oilers were on TV that night so I decided I would head home, stopping to get dinner and a bottle on the way. I pulled on to the Henday and headed west on the south leg, turning up the radio to listen to the first period. I was sober but tired and was looking forward to finding my couch and settling in, when I noticed a black pickup racing up behind me, then pulling into the left lane to pass me. As we approached the 111th Avenue overpass the truck suddenly slammed on the brakes and pulled across both lanes in front of me…
I never had a chance to even consider braking. I tore into the pickup’s box and ripped it from the frame. My Jeep SUV folded into an accordion, and the airbags knocked me unconscious.
I don’t know how long I was out but when I came to I was confused, why couldn’t I hear the hockey game?? I reached to try and turn up the silent radio when I noticed a terrified woman who burst into tears as she leaned in the passenger side of my dead vehicle…
”You’re alive!! Don’t move, the ambulance is here!!!”
“Simple Song” Avail
Going over in my head what seems like everything,
Remembering commitments that nowadays just blend,
I don't know where I'm going and I don't think that I care,
I had my taste wound up misplaced bounced off those troubles clear.
Did I trip myself up again?
Did I see more than you did?
Did I trip myself up again?
Did I see more than you did?
Decisions made without regard returning as regret,
I knew they could but thought they would come crashing with success
They know nothing about me and I really doubt they care,
But that's alright cause by myself I do fine anywhere
Did I trip myself up again?
Did I see more than you did?
Did I trip myself up again?
Did I see more than you did?
It seems like I shouldn't have pushed it,
Hid myself and lost focus for a change
Shouldn't have made myself committed,
I got to know that one by now,
I'm better off without
Going over in my head what seems like everything,
Remembering commitments that nowadays just blend
I don't know where I'm going and I don't think that I care,
I had my taste wound up misplaced bounced off those troubles clear
The truth is, as I stood in my kitchen surveying the situation, all I felt was total and complete relief. The Band-Aid was ripped clean off and I could finally breathe again. I knew in my heart there would never have been a time where I would have ended things myself so this was the only way I would ever get on with living my life again.
I had a lot of scrambling to do to get my financial affairs back in order and I needed to fill the extra room in the house in order to continue staying there; but on the positive side, I could tear the fucking lock off the master bedroom door and sleep in my own bed again. I didn’t have the constant dread of finding Angela hurt or worse, and I didn’t have to tiptoe around the house waiting for an inevitable dressing down for some imagined transgression.
As luck would have it, my brother Kevin had been looking for a better living arrangement and we quickly agreed that he would move in and split the rent and utilities with me. I opened new bank accounts, reset my automatic deposits and debits and in just a few days I had most of my finances back on track. My life really wasn't compromised that much, I still had a great job and a good place to live.
Of course, mentally I was now completely untethered. I still couldn’t comprehend what exactly had occurred the last few months, or even years.
I would lay awake at night staring at the ceiling and listening to the chatter in my head until I couldn’t stand it anymore and in frustration I would turn on the TV to stare at it until the sun came up and I could start my day again. I lost a lot of weight in a very short time from the stress and I would stumble through my days in a sleepless stupor.
With no one expecting me at home, I was now spending six afternoons a week in the pub. I would waste my days counting the seconds until I could head towards Whyte Avenue again, and most of my meals were picked up at a drive thru window on the way home from happy hour.
More insidious though, I was now in the habit of picking up a litre of vodka everyday on the way home. I discovered if I drank until I blacked out I could silence the chatter and actually rest at night, and my OCD loved the ritual I created for myself.
I would come home, pop the bottle in the freezer while I ate my dinner, then I would fill a tumbler with six ounces of straight vodka and settle into my spot on the couch. Most days I could get to the fourth glass before I blacked out, usually sitting up and still in my clothes, where I would remain until the sun came up and woke me. I would place the half empty glass in the freezer, toss out the empty bottle and head for the shower to start my day.
I walk like you guide me, my eyes
Are shut like I'm blind
Turn to you and listening and tryin'
To be in your mind
There's a feeling that I get
When I look to the west
Having all the answers
Still failing the test
Wolf packs and convoys and
Captains and men
Surprised in translation
World without end
Welcome back to real life
The picture is gone
Put a contract out on things that go on and on
How do you stay where
You most want to be?
Where'd you get the patience
Did it come easily?
On whose authority
I have none over me
On whose authority
There's none that I can see
On whose authority
I have none over me
On whose authority
No one speaks to me
On whose authority
I have none over me ...
ahhhhhhh
All the tales with paper heroes
The ones who dyed the sun
And called it yellow
The ones who make you run
On whose authority
I have none over me
On whose authority
There's none that I can see
On whose authority
I have none over me
On whose authority
Nothing speaks to me
On whose authority
I have none over me ...
ahhhhhhh
